6 months....

Dear Son,

Today is Sept 2, 2012.  You should be 6 months old.  You should be a fat happy baby, giggling and crying, while your daddy and I decide who you look like more.  Instead, I sit here and miss you more every single day.  You lay nestled in a blue velvet box in the top of our closet instead of snuggling me with my cup of coffee.

We had so many dreams for you.  From the moment that we found out we were pregnant with you.  Your daddy dreamed of taking you fishing and teaching you MMA moves.  You see, he said you had to do indoor sports because he hates the Alabama heat!  We all know that whatever you wanted would probably be what you got.  I dreamed of seeing you smile at me and wrap your arms around me..until it wasn't cool anymore of course.  Your daddy bought me a ring with your birthstone in it. It's beautiful and I still wear it almost every day.  My thoughts for that ring were that one day you could pass it on to your wife or one of your children.  Kind of a keep it in the family kind of thing. 

I know family and friends probably don't think of you every day like I do.  And that's ok.  I'm your mommy.  I'm supposed to think of you every day.  And I do.  I have pretty good days now, and am working on not feeling guilty about that.  Sometimes I do...I think that if I'm happy and laughing people will think I'm not missing you anymore.  But, you know that's different....or I hope you do.  But I will always always miss you.  I will never understand why you can't be here with us. And I"ll never like it or be ok with it.  While there are still really bad days, really sad days, it is getting easier.  Easier in that you being gone doesn't consume me every single millisecond of the day. 

In about 4 months, you will have a little brother or sister. Right now, I'm so scared that he or she will be taken away from me too.  He or she may have to stay in the hospital longer because we are going to have her a little early.  Her...see...somewhere inside me I think it's a baby sister for you. Don't worry, we will tell her all about you and she will never ever take your place.  She will just share it.  If it's a brother, it'll be the same way!  I know you are watching over us and rooting us on.  I just wish so bad you were here. 

I know several other mommies who's babies are in heaven with you.  I know Jack is there, and now baby Laurel is there.  I hope you guys are together and I'm going to believe that you are.  Just know, that today, like every day, mommy and daddy love you, and miss you.  We wish we could tell you face to face and didn't have to write about it.  You will always be my son, and you will always be missed and loved. 

Hugs and Kisses,
 Mommy