Some days I just want to cry

Sometimes, I think people don't want to know, or maybe just not deal with true feelings...maybe feelings that aren't so happy go lucky. I'm just not that person who can fake being happy when my heart is hurting. I've been tearful all day. It's been a struggle to smile and act normal. My heart is heavy and just hurts so much. Saturday will be a year since Kiernan died. I still remember every second. I remember what I had on. I remember Steve thinking I was overreacting. I remember that sinking feeling when I just knew there wouldn't be a heartbeat. This isn't something a mother should have to remember. While tornadoes were tormenting our city, a whirlwind of emotion was just beginning in our life.

A lot has happened in a year. I never thought I'd have to read through an autopsy report for my child. I didn't know of I'd ever have a healthy child, or if I could physically, and emotionally, go through pregnancy for a third time. It was always so hard to answer the question "how many times have you been pregnant vs how many children do you have?" Even while I was hooked up to the monitors, getting ready to have Elleigh, when the nurses would refer to Kiernan's death as my "demise". Sigh.

As you know, we now have a healthy, beautiful baby girl. She's more than perfect. I'm still terrified of something going wrong...sickness, SIDS, anything that could hurt her. It's a burden, and I'm doing Bette twitch living for the moment...but it's still there in the back of my mind.

I've been told that I shouldn't be so sad about this weekend. Yes, it's sad that Kiernan died, but at least I "never got to know him"....any woman who has carried a child for 38 weeks, KNOWS her baby...maybe not the same way as others, but I knew him. Period. Another well meaning person told me "at least you have a baby now". I am absolutely grateful for my daughter...but I still miss my son. My heart still aches for me and to have seen him grow as we see Elleigh grow. That will never go away.

Bottom line, I just want to cry today. Maybe it is a pity party. All I know is that my heart hurts and I cry and I hold my daughter a little bit tighter, and a little bit longer.

I have a challenge. Most probably won't do it, and that's ok. Here it is...Saturday, do something with your child..something wild and crazy and fun. Let our child have an ice cream sundae for breakfast...go for a hike...get your nails done together....whatever it is. Do it...think of our sweet little boy in Heaven, and let me know what you did. I'd love to hear of some special time you spent with your child and have new memories of March 2.

The beginning of 2013

Well, it's been FOREVER since I've written anything on here (insert this might be a ramble!)  I don't know why...maybe we've been a teensy weensy bit busy! New house, new baby....whole new year!

When I was younger, I always said I didn't want kids.  It took me a long time..say roughly Feb 2008...to decide that I did want kids.  It took meeting Steve....knowing he'd be a hands on dad...knowing he would be just as involved as I was....most of all, knowing he'd love his child as much as I did.  That's extremely important to me.

On Monday, Dec 31 at 5 am, we were about 3 in line to fill out paperwork for having a baby!  We got called back almost immediately because we were a planned C-section vs induction.  Steve was like a giddy little girl...and I was a nervous wreck.  Nervous about the process, not about Elleigh.  Who am I kidding..they were about to cut me wide open..and my brother in law Tom had told all about how they take out your organs and then baby..ha!  He told Steve..most important...stay north of the tent and don't look over!  In my head, I kept telling myself to think about some of the people that have kids..and if they could do it, I could do it better! 

So on to the surgical room we go.  Steve's cracking jokes the whole time getting dressed...and I think a lot of it was to try to ease my nervousness.  He came in after I had my spinal (which yes I cried through...I think more because I was nervous than the pain....), blue tent is up.  Then, he did it.  He looked over the tent.  He got a strange look on his face and asked me if I the spinal was ready.  I said I wasn't sure...and he kinda laughed and said he hoped so because she was already cutting.  Then I remember hearing...here we go..and felt a little pushing and pulling....then heard Dr. Callison say "holy shit at the hair!" I'm just laying there like what???  Then, I saw her. My beautiful little girl.  It was only for a second, but she got to be with her daddy from then on.

 After she was here, and I heard her cry, and I laid my eyes and hands on her, it was the biggest relief.  She was here and she was safe.  Then one of the housekeeping women asked if Steve was a comedian...because she felt like she was in a Cheech and Chong movie the whole time.  What in the world was he doing?????

It's been almost a month.  I can't believe my baby is almost a month old!  In typical mommy fashion, she's the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen.  Sometimes, I just sit and stare at her, and my eyes well up with tears.  She's ours and she's ok.  Most of all, she's ok.  She's got a head full of dark hair, and the cutest pouty lips.

  I think her eyes are going to be like her daddy's and be a blueish grey color.  I love how little and petite she is..she's just now filling out her newborn clothes!  I love putting bows in her hair, and love how people are so happy for us. So many of you have been on our baby journey with us, and have been so wonderful in celebrating her life with us.  Words can't express how grateful we are.  And I'm sure we will continue to gush over her!  Even at 2 am, exhausted and ready to cry myself, when she quits crying, or protesting as we call it, and looks at me or grasps my finger (I don't care if it's a reflex!) and quits, my job is done.  I'm mommy, and I'm going to make it better. Whatever "better" is.  When daddy walks in and says "Hi little lamb" her little eyes go crazy around the room searching for him.  She's going to be daddy's little girl!  Most of all, when she's tired, and ready to cuddle, and curls up in my arms, all is right in the world. 

The past 3 1/2 weeks has taught me more than the past year.  The person who walks right on by you without acknowledging you, although you've known them your whole life...they don't matter.  The people who think you shouldn't be honest about how you really feel...it's ok.  The people who give you advice, and get upset when you go with your gut and instinct....they'll get over it.  Why?  Because everything has changed.  What I want to do on the weekends..the places I want to go...even the car I drive and how I drive it has changed.  What matters now is my baby is healthy, and happy...that my sweet girl knows Mommy and Daddy love her beyond the moon...and that Mommy and Daddy love each other more than ever (ladies without kids..think you can't love your husband any more, or find him any more attractive??  Have his baby and see him fall all over this tiny little bundle of joy....just sayin'...). 

Sweet Elleigh Makenna...you've changed our life...and not only Mommy and Daddy's, but so many more. Right now, you are lying beside me, doing your baby kung fu

and giving your opinion on the American Idol contestants.  I've loved spending the past 3 1/2 weeks with you every day and seeing how you've changed in that short amount of time.  We are so blessed to have you as our little lamb. Love you to the moon and back...

bumpy kinda week

So this week has been a bit of a roller coaster.  I found out that I failed my glucose test and have gestational diabetes.  For many of you reading this, it's not a big deal..it happens.  It's a HUGE deal to me. 

So many emotions have come and gone since then.  While the internet can provide some good info, it can also terrify you.  I could check off most of the "you are at a high risk for gestational diabetes if" boxes...I hadn't lost the weight from Kiernan before getting pregnant again, so check.  Strong family history of type 2...again, check.  Previous unexplained stillbirth...check.  I think the only box I didn't fit in was the African-American/Asian one. 

So..you might say..ok..all you have to do is not eat sweets.  Done..there ya go.  It's not that easy.  It's a very emotional diagnosis for me.  I've always been sensitive about my weight, and have to work very hard at it.  It's not easy for me.  About 3 years ago, I lost 50 pounds.  I look back at those pictures now and love how I looked and how I felt..of course, at the time, I still didn't think it was enough.  I'm not very kind to myself when it comes to weight.  Then my car accident happened, and no more working out for 10 months...then I started back, and got pregnant.  Miscarriage plus D/C...no working out for 6 weeks.  Then we moved to Bama..hello TONS of food they don't have in New England!  Then pregnant again...then stillbirth/world crashing..no working out for 6 weeks...except oops!  Preggo again in 5! 

All I could think about when I heard about GD was how much I blamed myself.  If I hadn't gained some of my weight back maybe I wouldn't be here now.  Yes, I know, people of all shapes and sizes get GD.  However, it's different for me in my own head.  I totally blame myself.  Then I started doing research online.  I read one little article how sometimes in previous pregnancies you can get a false negative on a glucose test, or be borderline (which I was borderline).  It went on to say how GD can cause respiratory problems in babies, and can even cause death, before or right after birth.  There it was.  That one little sentences sent me into the biggest tailspin.  All I could think about was maybe I was responsible for Kiernan's death.  Maybe I killed him.  You may think it's silly and ridiculous that that thought ever crossed my mind.  But, I guess I"ll never stop searching for a reason it happened.  It will always be in the back of my mind.  Ever since the second I found out he was gone, I've felt somewhat responsible...because it was my body that was supposed to keep him safe and sound and healthy..and didn't.  Now, even while I feel Elleigh kicking like crazy this morning, the "is it going to happen again" thought creeps into my mind more and more.  It's a catch 22....we are getting so close to having our little girl with us (As a side note...Steve says she has to have a tutu in every color!)..but then again, we are so much close to when we lost Kiernan. 

But I digress.  I wasn't going to tell anyone about GD.  I'm ashamed because I think I could have done better and maybe stopped this from happening.  Maybe I couldn't have.  But, either way, it's done.  It's here.  So, there are some major changes going on in our home.  I'm thankful to have a doctor who is keeping such a close eye on us.  I'm thankful that my insurance is paying for me to go to a class and learn more about what I need to do (instead of doing scary research online).  But mostly, super thankful for a husband who is willing to change eating habits with me.  While we both have been wanting to change but seriously lacking motivation...this was the kick we needed.  If we can get through everything else we've been through, we can get through this too. 

the ups and the downs

So much has been going on in our lives since I last blogged.  It seems like I think about blogging a lot, however, when I get home, I crash!

Several friends have had highs and lows lately.  A friend of mine, a friend I haven't seen in too long, lost her sweet baby about a month ago.  Her twin sister has been in and out of the hospital with what I"m assuming is the same thing.  I can't imagine what this sweet mommy and daddy are going through.  They day I found out that Laurel had died, was the first time I had looked at her pictures on facebook, not knowing what had happened yet.  After Kiernan died, I went into self preservation mode I guess.  If anyone had had a baby recently, I had turned off the option to see their pictures.  I just couldn't bare it. That Saturday morning, I decided I could do it.  I wanted to see her babies, and so many others.  I sent their mom a message, saying how beautiful they were.  An hour later, if that, I found out Laurel had died.  I felt horrible that I had sent that message.  I still, of course, think they are beautiful.  I feel guilty that I waited 8 months to see their pictures.   I feel guilty I never met the girls.  Their mom was so good to me through both my miscarriage and through Kiernan's death.  Going to Laurel's visitation was one of the hardest things I've done.  However, I hope that on some minute scale I helped and showed my thankfulness to how good that family was to us in our sad times.

A coworker lost her twins at 14 weeks this week.  Her son was stillborn, but her daughter's heart was still beating.  However, because they were only 14 weeks, she couldn't survive.  It breaks my heart for her.  I hate that she will come back to work on Monday, and will see my pregnant belly.  I hate that I will be a reminder to her. 

Both of these things, but more so the first story, has sent me into a bit of a tail spin at times.  It terrifies me to really grasp how short life is.  How there are no guarantees.  No promises.  There have been several trips to the doctor's office, just for reassurance.  It somewhat helps that now Elleigh is moving pretty consistently.  Some days though, I have to stop and think...has she moved today? Have I felt her?  Or I have I just been too busy that I haven't noticed it?  Thankfully, every time I have started my internal battle of this, she's given me a swift kick to remind me she's ok.  I had an ultrasound this week and Elleigh wasn't very cooperative.  If it had been our 4D, we wouldn't have been able to see her.  She was all balled up with her back to us.  Every time the tech would tap on my belly to try to get her to move, she hit back.  I couldn't help but laugh...stubborn little thing!  Thankfully, on the 30th we have another growth ultrasound, and if she's in a  good position, then they will flip on the 4D option.  PS--we are having monthly growth ultrasounds because sometimes a baby after stillborn is very small and has growth problems.  So far, she's right on the mark. 

I've had some wild emotions lately.  Some days I just want to cry.  I just want to close my eyes, and wake up with this pregnancy over and a baby in my arms.  Some days I just think what if this doesn't happen?  How will we ever survive it? But, I try to not dwell on it.  I try to think of all the wonderful things that are to come.  I cry if I need to, but for whatever reason, I still try to just deal with it inside. I thought the question "Is this your first baby?" would get easier..it hasn't.  Especially working in a population that has memory issues and forgets my answer!  I still am trying to be the happy go lucky girl I used to be. Some times that is possible.  Other times it's not.  I guess only time can truly heal. 

Onto some good news...a friend got news that her numbers are great, and she is cancer free.  I'm so excited for her and her family.  She's been such a rock for me through out everything...a guaranteed laugh no what the situation or time.  I'm truly grateful for her and ecstatic over her good news!

As if life wasn't stressful enough, we are building a house.  I'm so excited about it.  I'm sure our realtor is ready to be rid of us (I've had LOTS of questions!)!  We are building in Owens Cross Roads, outside of Huntsville.  Steve is excited it's about 6 minutes from Guntersville Dam.  Ha!  Hopefully we will close before Elleigh gets here!

Well, that's all for now...I think I've gotten everything out that I've wanted to or thought about.  As October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month...to all those others who belong in our 'club', thoughts and hugs go out...

6 months....

Dear Son,

Today is Sept 2, 2012.  You should be 6 months old.  You should be a fat happy baby, giggling and crying, while your daddy and I decide who you look like more.  Instead, I sit here and miss you more every single day.  You lay nestled in a blue velvet box in the top of our closet instead of snuggling me with my cup of coffee.

We had so many dreams for you.  From the moment that we found out we were pregnant with you.  Your daddy dreamed of taking you fishing and teaching you MMA moves.  You see, he said you had to do indoor sports because he hates the Alabama heat!  We all know that whatever you wanted would probably be what you got.  I dreamed of seeing you smile at me and wrap your arms around me..until it wasn't cool anymore of course.  Your daddy bought me a ring with your birthstone in it. It's beautiful and I still wear it almost every day.  My thoughts for that ring were that one day you could pass it on to your wife or one of your children.  Kind of a keep it in the family kind of thing. 

I know family and friends probably don't think of you every day like I do.  And that's ok.  I'm your mommy.  I'm supposed to think of you every day.  And I do.  I have pretty good days now, and am working on not feeling guilty about that.  Sometimes I do...I think that if I'm happy and laughing people will think I'm not missing you anymore.  But, you know that's different....or I hope you do.  But I will always always miss you.  I will never understand why you can't be here with us. And I"ll never like it or be ok with it.  While there are still really bad days, really sad days, it is getting easier.  Easier in that you being gone doesn't consume me every single millisecond of the day. 

In about 4 months, you will have a little brother or sister. Right now, I'm so scared that he or she will be taken away from me too.  He or she may have to stay in the hospital longer because we are going to have her a little early.  Her...see...somewhere inside me I think it's a baby sister for you. Don't worry, we will tell her all about you and she will never ever take your place.  She will just share it.  If it's a brother, it'll be the same way!  I know you are watching over us and rooting us on.  I just wish so bad you were here. 

I know several other mommies who's babies are in heaven with you.  I know Jack is there, and now baby Laurel is there.  I hope you guys are together and I'm going to believe that you are.  Just know, that today, like every day, mommy and daddy love you, and miss you.  We wish we could tell you face to face and didn't have to write about it.  You will always be my son, and you will always be missed and loved. 

Hugs and Kisses,
 Mommy

fake it til you make it...

So, let me get it out of the way that this is probably a venting session for me.  Or a cry my eyes out session. Or both.  So...you've been warned. 

*Sigh.  I don't even know where to begin.  Some days I feel ok.  On the days that I don't feel ok, I feel the overwhelming need to fake it and pretend that I'm A-ok.  Sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I am.  At times that's at home, around friends and family, at work, heck at Walmart.  It knows no boundaries, no limitations.  I feel when I'm anywhere but alone, that I have to put a smile on my face and be ok.  There are times when I'm good at it and times when I'm sure that someone is going to call my bluff. Little do they know, if they did, I would burst into tears. 

Pregnancy is supposed to be a joyful time.  It's supposed to be a time when you are all smiles and glowing.  It's supposed to be a time with no worries and everything is perfect.  The biggest concerns should be agreeing on a name, picking out clothes and furniture.  For me, none of that is there.  If I'm getting real honest, we rarely talk about it.  I think I talk about it more at work, and that's usually after they've asked me questions.  I don't really initiate talk.  We shy away from it at home.  The crib is still under the bed, taken apart.  Kiernan's clothes are still in the closet.  Everything is still packed away. I cry alot...alot more than last pregnancy.  I like to think that alot of that is just the hormones.  But I know that the other "alot" of it is our history.  Pregnancy for me is defined as an ongoing terror.  An ongoing suspense movie where you continually ask what's around the next corner. 

If anything good came out of our situation, it's I met Dr. Callison.  I know if you read any of my posts you are probably so sick of hearing me sing her praises, but it's all true.  I had my regular appointment today, and was crying before I even saw her.  Some of you know, last week, while at the dr's office (seeing the nurse practioner) for a sinus infection, they couldn't find the heartbeat.  I freaked out, immediately bawling my eyes out.  Ultrasound found it immediately and all was ok. The NP's response after I apologized was "Don't freak out until you have a reason."  I probably not so politely informed her we've already been through the worst.  So today, when I walked through that door, I'm already freaking out a bit.  Kim, the nurse, asked me how I was.  All I could say was "I'm ok".  She totally got it and said "Ok is good.  I'll take it."  After I explained what happened last week, Kim got a little nervous about finding the heartbeat, but she found it immediately and it was nice and strong.  I, again, just had tears welling up.  I wish I didn't have to go through this pregnancy, but get the results.  Sometimes, specifically lately because I feel like I'm crying all the time, I feel so weak.  I feel like "the crying girl" is what defines me.  I never imagined that's who I'd be.  I don't want to be her.  Dr. C just held my hand and told me she wished she could just put me into a coma and wake me up and it be Dec 31. 

I am feeling baby move, but it's not constant yet...which is normal.  BUT, when I feel the baby, then don't for a day or so, my mind immediately goes into "oh crap what's wrong?".  Today I have an ache in my back...what's my first thought?  Back pain=miscarriage...this is what's happening.  I can't help it.  I try.  I really do, but I can't stop my mind from going in that direction.  I told Dr. C about all of this today, and she assured me it's normal for a person who has been through what we have.  Some days it seems like so long ago, and other times it seems like it was just yesterday.  I don't know the last time I slept all night.  I  can more easily ignore my thoughts during the day.  As soon as I close my book and turn the lights off to go to sleep, my brain is in over drive.  Then I'm exhausted, which makes me more likely to cry...never ending stupid cycle. 

I had a patient ask me today the "dreaded question".  Is this your first?  I hesitated for a second, and told her no and left it at that.  Later, when it was just the 2 of us, I explained what happened, without tears, and it felt good for me.  Then, another patient (who is a repeat customer for us...she was on my caseload when everything happened) on my caseload said hi to me, and took my hand and told me how sorry she was that Kiernan died, and how all my friends and patients felt the pain with me.  It was the sweetest thing to say  and I almost lost it.  For those of you who have grieved with me, thank you for your support and being there for us.

Now, all this being said, please understand we are both extremely happy to be pregnant.  Over the moon.  There are just so many fears that go along with it this go around.  I hope that once the movements get more regular,and then we start the bi weekly fetal heart monitoring it will help ease some of the thoughts that loop through my head.  And I do have good days, and good moments on the bad days. I don't want it to come across that I"m all gloom and doom.  I'm just more gloom and doom than I was before.  The first pregnancy I was just naive.  Then miscarriage happens.  Then pregnancy #2...after passing the miscarriage point, everything was nothing but roses.  Then at 38 weeks,our world crashed and burned.  Now being pregnant again, it's hard to let myself get excited.  I feel like I've been on a losing streak and I'm scared to jinx myself into thinking that the streak is coming to an end.  Someone at work the other day said at least when I had my baby it would replace the loss.  No baby will ever EVER replace my son.  He will always be my first born.  He will always be in my heart.  But, there is room for another baby in my heart, just like other people have more than one child and love them equally. 

So...be patient with both us.  Remember us in your thoughts, prayers, good vibes, whatever you do.  Know that even we don't demonstrate it, we are happy and thankful and over the moon about baby. 

I'm done venting for the night..and crying...now onto bed, a book, and knowing tomorrow is not only Friday, but PAY DAY Friday (who am I kidding, it's already gone before it gets deposited!)......

Sometimes vaca gives you time to think!

So, we just got back from a week at the beach with my sister, brother in law, and their 2 kids. We had a blast!  We spent time in both Destin and Fort Walton Beach FL.  The water was crystal clear blue, the weather was perfect.  Steve got to eat a lot of seafood...something that doesn't happen to often because he wants it fresh and can't cook it in the house.  As Rebekah (my sister) says, if it swims, I don't eat it!  I did relearn to wear a hat at the beach!  My head is super sunburned and itches like crazy!  I felt bad to go get my hair cut yesterday!  We found some great sunglasses and had fun trying them on at Kitty Hawk Kites at the Crab Trap.

Coolest. Sunglasses. Ever.

If you are ever in that area, McGuires Irish Pub is a must!  The food was delicious...and Steve and Tom say the beer was too....Next time!

Me and Steve at McGuires--it's in black and white because we have coon eyes so bad from the beach!

 

 

 I only got teary one day.  I was sitting on the beach in the evening reading a book.  The book came to a part about a baby boy and it just kinda hit me that this vacation had been planned for about a year, and it was very different than I had originally envisioned it.  It's not that we don't think of Kiernan or miss him every day, but honestly, life moves on.  I can't let myself wallow, because it would definitely be easy to do so.  

I overheard one of my patients the other day say something about I didn't act very excited to be pregnant.  Just in case there is any doubt, I am...very much so. When we found out we were preggo with K, after we passed that 12 week mark (that's when I miscarried the first time), then got into the second trimester, there was really no fear.  Stillbirth had never entered my mind.  Why would it?  My pregnancy was perfect except for some over the top swelling towards the end.  Now, we passed that 12 week mark, we are well into the second trimester, but that fear is still there, and my dr says probably will remain so until we hold that baby in our arms.  Then the fear will switch to something else.  It does help that there has been some extra tests done and extra ultrasounds.  I'm not sure if I reported back from the high risk doctor, but the ultrasound was great, and the blood work came back for Down's, Trisomy 13 and 18...my chances of having any of those are lower than the average persons, so that's great news.  I go back next week for more blood work to test for spina bifida.  I also had a follow up with Dr. Callison...her nurse Kim cracks me up. She was gonna strap the baby heart monitor on me, then proceeded to say "Don't freak out if we can't hear anything..sometimes we don't this early with this thing" I just looked at her and kinda smiled. She was like "Just tell me to shut up cause I know you will freak out and I am not going to be responsible for that!"  She left and came back, and ultrasound was empty so off we went.  All was perfect.  I go back to Dr. C in 2 weeks.  I can't believe we are starting month 5! At times it's flying by, and others it's dragging.  Both ultrasound techs (one at the high risk dr office and one at Dr. C's off) have given their best guess right now (we don't have the gender ultrasound til Sept), on 2 separate occasions, and both say girl.  While we will be ecstatic with either...we just want a healthy baby...a part of me thinks a girl will kind of be a clean start.  If it is a girl, her name will be Ellie Makenna.  We are still throwing around boy names....can't totally agree on one...maybe there is a reason???!!!  I however will NOT EVER name my child Imminent (first name) Danger (middle name) as Steve suggests!  Does he not know we already have the Ward luck?  Lol! 

So, not alot going on here.  Not alot of interesting things to say on the blog...just thought I'd give a quick update...