3rd time's a charm....right?????

It's been a while since I've blogged. Maybe after reading this you will understand.  I have mixed feelings writing this one.  So much has happened in our lives the past few months.  Here's a quick recap...

Most of you know about Kiernan.  If not, our son was stillborn at 38 weeks.  We have no reason why, and most likely, never will.  Not a day goes by that I don't wish with everything I have that he was here with me.  Several of my friends have either had babies...is having one RIGHT NOW...or has announced they are pregnant.  I am so happy for them and wish them nothing but the best.  However, sometimes at those low moments, it's just a reminder of what could have been.  I apologize to those friends that I haven't really been there for, or those that I've pushed away a bit.  Slowly, my heart is healing to the point that it can, and I hope I am too. 

We rescued a kitten, Sophie.  It was estimated she was about 2 weeks when we got her.  We've had to bottle feed her...introduce her to real food..litter box is still in progress!  Finn loves her...Steve came home today and they were both cuddled up on a blanket in the recliner sleeping together.  -*llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllkllk...that was Sophie walking across the keyboard! She's starting to be quite the fiesty one.

 We celebrated our 2 year anniversary on Monday.  What a great man I have married.  I can't even begin to say how much I love him.  Hopefully, he knows.  He's been there for good and bad, ups and downs.  He'll never let me live down that I said I was outdoorsy--so what if my version was outdoors with a margarita and his was rock climbing--no gear--over the cliffs over the Atlantic!  We had a planned elopement (I'm too anal to have not planned it out) in Vermont. We stayed at an awesome B&B called the Snow Goose Inn.  They had wine and cheese every evening...we hiked and played tourists in near by towns.  Saw a moose...again!  We took the ski lift to the top of the mountain and exchanged vows up there.  It was magical.  I think we'd agree though that besides getting married, the in house maple cured bacon was our favorite part!!!




For the grand finale...we are pregnant. Can you see his/her hand up by her face with eye, nose, and mouth?  The bright white line at the bottom is the spine...

  I've struggled with keeping it a secret vs telling.  I don't want to hurt anyone who may be going through a difficult time with their own pregnancy...and I'm almost scared to be excited and happy to tell the world incase something goes wrong. Again.  But, Steve and I decided that so many of you celebrated Kiernan's life with us, and were there for us during his death.  We want this baby to have the same support, no matter how long their life is...whether it's til tomorrow, or til they are 80.  So many mixed emotions!  Every ache every pain, I'm instantly terrified that I'm miscarrying or that something isn't normal.  Like I've told Dr. Callison, I can be a HOT MESS with this go around.  But 3 time is a charm right? As of right now, I'm 13 weeks.  I've had 3 ultrasounds, with everything being normal.  Today, I had my high risk appointment with Dr Gonzales-Ruiz of Bham (he comes to Hville x1 week).  I was a nervous wreck....I didn't know what to expect and I was terrified of any bad news.  If I don't see a baby right away on the US I automatically think nothing is there and am instantly terrified.  Thankfully, there was!  Their US was a little different than what they use at the dr's office...little more indepth.  I didn't really know at the time, but they were looking for any chromosomal abnormalities as well as any heart or brain defects.  I got to see the baby jumping around and covering his/her face with their hands.  The heartbeat was strong and steady.  They checked the heart valves and I got to see the blood pumping in and out of the vessels.  It was really pretty cool.  I'm glad they know what they are looking at because half of the time I didn't.  The spine looked good as well.  Dr. GR said there was nothing per the US that caused him any concern, and that all looked normal.  I had some blood work done today as well, and that will be a back up for the US.  I guess this is the new and improved way instead of an amnio.  If anything indicated any problems, then I had be scheduled for one of those, but thankfully, I don't have to be!  I go see Dr. Callison next week.  The plan is still the same.  I will be having monthly ultrasounds.  I will get a steroid shot at 32 weeks to mature the lungs faster.  I will also start bi weekly fetal heart monitoring at the hospital. As of right now, we will be planning for a birthday party on Dec 31. 

If I've learned anything the past few months, it's to be a little more assertive in what I need or want from others.  Some of you may not think it's the time, or that we are ready.  I ask that you please just keep that to yourself.  While we weren't planning this this quickly, we are ecstatic, and nervous, and everything in between. We ask that you pray for us, think about us, and support us on our journey.  I hope to keep up with things a bit more here now that the secret is out. 

They even had a guess as to whether it's gonna be Ellie or Caeden!

Just a normal day...

This post could get interesting!  I just took a Tylenol PM for my killer headache...couldn't find the regular Tylenol....so....PM it is! 

I'm going to venture off from my usual a bit.  So many things have happened recently that have reminded me that while we have suffered a horrible, great loss, we still have so many things to be thankful for.

A friend of mine's step son (like that run on?) is currently at Walter Reed Hospital recovering after being in a horrible accident in Afghanistan.  I'm not sure of all the details, but the damage was from an IED.  He had to have both of his legs amputated.  His attitude from his FB page (Prayers for Josh Wetzel) is amazing and humbling.  I can't imagine what his wife and family went through in those first few hours not having a complete picture of what was going on so far away.  I thank Josh, and his family, so much for his sacrifice and his service to our country. 

Along the same line of military, I am a speech pathologist at a rehab facility that has a high majority of retired military.  I'll never forget one of my favorite patients...he loved baseball and you had to use the stats to get him to do therapy!  But he was a Master Chief in the Navy.  He always had some interesting stories!  Another patient of mine is hilarious!  I know that as soon as he shows up I'm going to laugh my head off during therapy.  I have a wonderful student intern right now and I think he tries to embarrass her sometimes.  Here in Huntsville, AL, "space" is a huge industry.  He worked on the rockets and shuttles and gave me a great history lesson today on space "stuff".  I even tried to lock him down on if there were aliens, UFO's, and what the heck Area 51 is all about.  We talked about the "big moments" he's witnessed through out his life....the Depression, wars, JFK's assassination, the Challenger explosion, 9/11.  After he left today, my boss asked me if I knew that he (my patient) had been one of the first people on the ground after the Atomic Bomb.  He doesn't talk about it often.  I can't imagine what the people that stand up for our country truly go through.  I am not from an immediate military family, but am truly humbled and thankful for what our military does.  You don't have to agree with the war.  You don't have to agree with who is President or what we are doing.  However, I do think that you should support and be proud of our military.  They are doing their job, and I know that I honestly couldn't do it.  They are the reason you can complain so. 

I love my job.  I am guaranteed a laugh every day.  Some of these people I work with in therapy are great.  I've been propositioned 5 shiny new pennies to kiss my belly button....I had a 90 year old man grab my butt one day and when asked why he did it, he shrugged his shoulders and said "what do I have to lose?" ha! I had a wonderful patient with me (she was a teacher at my high school!) when I got the call about Kiernan's autopsy report.  She even cried with me.  I'm just so thankful to have a job that I enjoy, coworkers that I look forward to seeing every day, and patients that I feel like I can make a difference with.  It's such a rewarding feeling. 

Most of you know we have a new kitty at our house.  Her name is Sophie.  We rescued her and have been bottle feeding her.  She's so cute...but man does she have a temper when she is sleepy!  Right now we are trying to wean her from the bottle and over onto kitten food...it's hard work!  She much prefers the milk..ha. 

Anyway...nothing earth shattering today.  I just wanted to write something that wasn't about poor me.  While I'll always miss Kiernan and I'll always wish stuff turned out different....."better" days have come about more often.  I feel more like myself, although I know there will always be a "before" and an "after" me.  I'm trying to accept that and move on, while remembering our sweet little boy every day.  Even if I had known that outcome, I would still have gone through it.

Father's Day...good, bad, and ugly...

 Just a note...alot of this is about my father.  Things I've never written before...things I've rarely shared before.  It's not pretty.

Well, today is Father's Day.  Just like Mother's Day, Steve and I had so many expectations for this day. Expectations that have not been lived up to.  I still remember the first time I told Steve I was pregnant.  We both cried...I was scared to tell him...we hadn't exactly planned it.  We were both so excited.  Then the miscarriage happened.  Devastation on both our parts. Then, 7 months later, I walk out of the bathroom to tell him again.  We weren't trying, but weren't weren't trying.  We had so much fun imagining what life was going to be like.  When we found out it was a boy, Steve couldn't even wait til the ultrasound was finished before he started texting people.  Kiernan was going to be his mini me.  I know Steve was/is somewhat nervous about being a dad.  I know there are reservations there, about doing what's right, what's fun, and raising a good human being.  I definitely have those same reservations.  I remember on the way to the hospital with Kiernan, he thought I was over reacting.  He wouldn't tell me that til later.  I tend to freak out sometimes.  But deep down, I knew something wasn't right.  I remember him holding me tight when we found out.  I remember how protective he became of anyone who spoke to me or had anything to do with me.

For me, Steve becoming a dad had a different feeling for me.  It was a chance of redemption for something I never had.  To be able to give my child a father who cares, a father who is going to be fair but fun, a father that is going to give a rip one way or another....that's something I could give my child by Steve being their father. 

I grew up with a father, not a dad.  I don't remember him being at piano recitals or softball games.  I don't remember him being present.  I do remember my mom having to shush us because he worked swing shift and we better not wake him up because he'd be angry.  That never hit home to me til later.  The older I got, I remember being scared of my dad in a different way than my mom.  Mom meant business, and you did what she said, or you knew that you'd get in trouble.  With him, it was different.  I can't put it into words, but it was something akin to fear.  Of what, I was never exactly sure.  Until one day.  I was away for the weekend with a friend.  When we got back to her house, her step dad told me Mom had called and I needed to go home. Now.  At home, my mom and granny met me on the front porch.  I remember my mom was black and blue.  I was told to be as quiet as possible and grab what I needed for a few days.  This was the first of many times.  My dad went into rehab.  Mom made us go visit and go to counseling there to learn about alcoholism and talk about our feelings.  Rebekah was in college by now, so most of the time it was just me.  Counseling did no good for me.  Not there.  In my opinion, it was very "oh the poor alcoholic...we should feel sorry for them in their disease". BS.  While it may develop into a "disease" of sorts...no one ever made him pick up a drink.  No one held a gun to his head until he continued with the Wild Turkey.  Living in a small town, every one knew what was going on.  I was so embarrassed.  I remember when I left for college, I thought, wow...no one is going to know me as Rick Ryser's daughter. 

Things escalated when my mom filed for divorce.  So many things happened.  The church we went to, which was one of the bigger churches in our town, told my mom that divorce wasn't an option...she should take her vows seriously.  I left that church.  It's one thing to take your vows seriously.  She didn't take them for random beatings.  Sometime during this time, I told my mom and my sister that he didn't just hit mom.  I never wanted to tell...he always promised it would get worse if she knew.  I think because he knew that would be the end and she'd leave for good.  We did.  I remember backing out of the garage, clutching a box of Frosted Mini Wheats (random memory huh) with him beating on the car windows saying he'd win.  We went to my grandparent's house.  We had a rental house next door that we could move into, we just had to get the tenants out, and do some major cleaning first.  Through out this time, things got bad.  Really bad.  We had a protection order against my dad.  I can't begin to count the times my high school went under lock down because my dad showed up at school.  Everyone knew it was because of me.  I felt so ashamed and embarrassed.  I remember going back to our house to get clothes and stuff..and he was hiding inside.  I called 911, and he ripped the phone out of the wall.  I remember the cops not being able to come inside, because at the time, the law was he had to hit someone first.  Well, that finally happened.  In the blink of an eye he had thrown me into a wall with nails, and bit my grandmother's face.  The cops came barreling through the door and tackled him, handcuffing him.  His only response was "You broke my glasses". 

My junior and senior year of high school, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere alone.  I was the only kid allowed to carry a cell phone around.  I remember being at Sonic one night and a friend's dad came to get me, telling him there had been shooting at my house and I needed to come with him.  It was my granny shooting at my dad, because he'd shown up at our house.  Again.  I remember answering machine messages saying "Do you know where the girls are? If not, go check the back yard."  We were fine, but mom lived in constant fear.  She knew the way for him to hurt her the most was through us.  I remember her van being stolen.  He stole it and left it in a parking lot to see how long it took her to find out.  I remember waking up one night hearing something at the window.  It was him holding up the phone line he'd just cut.  We then had off duty policemen and family spending the night in the bushes so that mom and I might get some sleep.  I remember as soon as everyone was inside the church for my sister's wedding, the doors were locked and people patrolled the parking lot making sure he didn't show up.  Most of all, I remember having to go to DHR and having someone take pictures of bruises.  That someone was a friend's mom.  A teacher turned it in, as they are required by law...and it was fine...just one more of those things.  I remember sitting in court...still remember the red dress with white polka dots on it I wore...and having my dad turn around and call my mom a bitch and much much worse.  When brought to the judge's attention...he literally said "I didn't hear it".  Good ol' boy system?  One of the state troopers I knew was also there...also told the judge he heard it...and the judge repeated it.  I started to say something, and the trooper just told me to not stoop to my dad's level. 

I haven't spoken to my dad since I was about 16, and that was in court.  I got a couple of phone calls from him in college, but I'm not interested in a relationship with him.  My children will never know him.  I have had people tell me I will go to hell for this.  Bite me.  You go through it, it being that I didn't even write about 3/4 of what happened.  It's followed me forever, and I guess it always will.  It's not something I think about often, but when I do, I'm angry.  He doesn't deserve that energy, so I try to remember that.  I feel like when I lost my dad, I lost that side of the family too.  I don't know if it was just too much trouble to keep up with us (long distance), or if they didn't believe it was true.  I dont' know.  All I know, is that was the last time I ever heard from most of his side of the family.  I keep in touch with my aunt and her daughter, and another cousin.but that is it...and that's ok.  I had a guy in college who's mother didn't want him to date me.....not because I wasn't a good girl, or pretty, or smart.  But because I had an abusive dad.  I could turn out like him ya know.  I had my preacher's wife announce to the entire church when I wasn't there one time that parent's didn't need to let their kids be my friend because I had a drink on my senior trip.  I was going to be an alcoholic just like my father. She didn't bother to admit that her daughter was also drinking on that trip, as was most of the people there. 

Let me tell ya LOUD AND CLEAR...I am nothing like my father.  Nothing.  My husband will be a hell of a father...not only that...he'll be a hell of a daddy.  Anyone can be a father.  I had one of those.  Only certain men ever get to be a daddy.  I did not have one of those, but I have one of those for my future children.  Now I'm not bitter about no one is a good dad.  I have seen many examples of that...both of my brother in laws are GREAT daddy's! 

I love my husband more than anything...and want to give him the opportunity to raise a child more than anything.  Hopefully we will get our chance one day. 

Being happy with the small things..

I have lots of wisdom to impart with today.  Ok. Not really, but I'm not falling apart, therefore today has been successful so far.  Even though today is the day it is, it's been a great weekend.  Let me explain my Friday night and wonderful husband....go ahead...be jealous...

I came home from work a little early.  When I got home, Steve's car was already home.  All I could think about was...oh Lord...he pissed someone off and got sent home from work..ha!  I walked in the door to him yelling "No, no, no...you aren't supposed to be home yet!".  He brought him clothes out and sent me walking.  So...I went and did the 2.5 mile loop around the lake...the weather was perfect!  Down south, you cherish those 75 degree days!  When I got home, all the lights and blinds were closed....there were candles covering every surface.  There was the sweetest card, and a glass of wine poured.  Steve was no where to be found.  There was a note that said to follow the candles, which were formed in an arrow towards the bedroom (don't worry...it's staying G-rated!).  Now, let me interrupt right here.  Steve screwed himself when were dating and engaged because he showed he could be super romantic.  I still have this framed thing where Steve wrote a reason why he loved me for every letter of the alphabet.  So I know what he's capable of!  Anyway...walk back towards the bedroom, more candle, music playing, and bubble bath ready..which was awesome after my walk! Oh--and I can't forget the sugar free chocolates!  Then we went and had dinner and wine at the Stem and Stein...our first time there, but we will definitely go back!  All in all, it was a great night.  I love the romantic stuff.  I need it.  It made me feel special, even though I know he thinks I"m special (and I mean special in a good way--ha!).

Today, it's actually been a pretty good day.  In all his romanticness yesterday, my house getting cleaned was included...so I didn't have to do that today.  We spent the day with Finnigan up at Monte Sano state park and did a 3.5 mile loop.  It is such a beautiful day outside, being a whole lot cooler than normal...I'll take it!  I've teared up a couple of times, but it hasn't been a washout.

I've come to the realization that I will never be "over" Kiernan passing away.  I will never forget him...or the somersaults he used to do in my belly.  I'll never forget the pounding of his sweet little heartbeat or seeing those 4D ultrasounds.  I'm soooo thankful we spent the money and had that done.  I know one day I will cherish those pictures.  Right now I can't look at them.  So there are alot of good things to remember about Kiernan and I"ll cherish every one of those.  But on the other hand I'll always remember those horrible moments of finding out he was gone.  I can't be like some other people and be happy that he is in heaven and is now with God. Cause you know what? I don't really care, honestly.  I want him here, with me.  Strapped on his daddy's back while we went hiking today.  But, it's out of my control.  I think that is one of the hardest things for me..not being able to "control" things right now.

If you know me even a little, I"m a bit OCD, or even a control freak somewhat.  I can't control my emotions.  I'm trying to be patient with myself on so many levels, on being ok with crying one second and somewhat happy the next is one of those things.  I can't control my body and "getting back to normal", no matter how much I want to move on to the next phase. I can't control not wanting to see pictures of other people's babies, or the anger I feel towards some people who are pregnant.

 Some people know that I'm doing Weight Watchers again, and having a good time with it.  I'm eating better, being active more.  Those are two things that I CAN control out of all this chaos that has become my life.  It makes me feel good and successful at something, and I'll grasp onto anything that I can to feel that way right now.

The second is coming...

As the second of the month quickly approaches, I find myself slipping into that sad pattern....not wanting to do anything or go anywhere.  Just wanting to lay in bed and cry about how unfair life is right now.  It would be so easy to do that, but I refuse to let myself.  I may cry myself silly on the way to or from work, but then it's game face on.  I CAN get through this.  I don't really have a choice.  Life moves on.  Friends get pregnant and have their babies...even mothers who don't deserve to BE a mother.  Babies show up at work...on the cover of a magazine.  People complain about how their children are driving them crazy or how they haven't gotten a real night's sleep in a week or longer.  Some days I can sympathize with that.  Other days, I just want to say "You stupid moron!  Why are you complaining to ME about this? Don't you know what I would give up for that moment?"

I've talked to a couple of friends lately about not having much experience with being angry.  I think I've said it before, but some people just leave me feeling sad and empty about my own baby, but happy for them...other people getting that opportunity again and again and again BURNS ME UP.  I don't know how to deal with that.  I'm angry about so many things.  I feel cheated.  I want to see Kiernan smile and take his first step.  I want to see him roll his eyes when I tell him to clean up his room.  I want to meet his first girlfriend and be the mother of the groom.  I won't get to do any of that and it's just not fair.  Steve bought me a beautiful ring for Valentine's day...it had K's birthstone in it.  All I could think about was giving it to him to give to his wife one day. That's never going to happen. I'm angry that I can't sleep, and it's not because I have a baby with colic or is hungry.  It's because once the lights go out, all I can think about is everything that's never going to happen.  A friend today told me that I have to embrace every emotion and understand that each emotion is me.  I can try to rationalize it, or "fix" it, but no matter what, it's still there and it's part of who I am now. There will always be a "pre Kiernan" Alyson, and a "post Kiernan" Alyson.  Losing my son, I can't go back to the happy go lucky girl I once was.  I have to trust that one day the pain won't be as fresh or in your face, but will be more of a remembrance of the short time we had him. 

Life has definitely moved on.  Some days I wonder if people even remember him.  I know it's unrealistic to expect people to think about him all the time, but I do.  We bought a special carrier just so Steve could carry him while we maintained our (new to me!) outdoor life of hiking and such.  Steve and I grieve so differently.  I know he misses K and would give anything to have him here, healthy, but there are days that I wonder if he misses him as much as I do.  Intellectually I know he does....he's going to be such a great father one day if we ever get the chance to raise a child.  With Father's Day coming up, I've thought about it a lot...this was my chance to show my child what life with a father who gave a shit could be like.  Because I don't know what that's like (Side note--I'm so going to get into trouble for writing the "s" word here...but if Steve said it, my mom would just look at him and shake her head). I've written something about my view on fatherhood and the difference in what mine was like vs what I envisioned for my child, but haven't had the guts to post it yet.  That's a level of vulnerability that I don't know if I'm quite up to yet.  Of course, it's probably just my mom and sister reading this, so it would be nothing they didn't already know.  Stay tuned and see I guess.

That's all I have for now.  I feel drained.  I'm going to go to bed and read my book even though it's not even 630 yet....

Man up "Anonymous"

I received the following post on my blog this morning when I got up. It has bad language in it so I'm sorry in advance:

Why don't you quit your bitchin over how sad you are your kid is dead and admit whatever you did wrong that killed it.  Between that and your I'm fat posts it makes me want to stab myself in the eye.
Anonymous

My dearest Anonymous,

First, please feel free to repeatedly stab yourself in the eye over and over...and when you are done with that, proceed to any other part on your body that you would like.  I can think of a few if you need help.

Secondly, my child was not an "it". He was a beautiful little boy named Kiernan Patrick.

Thirdly, I don't know who the hell you think you are, obviously not much of anyone since you can't man up and sign your post by your name.  Coward. You obviously don't know me if you think for a split second of a second that I could or would harm my child.  Don't you think that between the tests that Huntsville Hospital ran, the Mayo Clinic, or even the autopsy would have found something? Cause God knows I would LOVE a freakin' answer.  I have so much to say to you, but I'm gonna keep it classy. Lord knows all I see right now is red and don't really trust the words coming out through my fingers. Trust me, I run things over and over in my head every single day.  Probably while you are sleeping, because I can't.  But, my questions run something like...Did that fingernail polish have something in it when I painted my toes?  What about when I touched up my hair color?  Did I eat enough veggies?  Did I get enough sleep? Too much?  I invite you to come spend five minutes with me. Just you and me.  Maybe we can settle the difference then.  It probably wouldn't take five minutes, but I'm sure I can think of something to fill up the time.  Then, I'll give you over to my husband, who was expecting a healthy little boy...then to my sister and my mom.  Then, I invite the other women that I have bonded with over this horrific experience to come and have a turn. There is a special place in hell for people like you. 

If I can't have sunshiny days, I'll talk partly cloudy...

I have really come to appreciate those "partly cloudy" days...days that aren't perfect, days that aren't like the "good ol' days"..but days that aren't terrible.  Those are my partly cloudy days...and I'll take 'em.

I received a card last week around Mother's Day that I haven't been able to open yet.  I did yesterday.  It was from one of my nurses at the hospital named Ashley.  Ashley--I wish I knew your last name so I could properly thank you.  I know that the other nurses I had meant well, but geeze Louise!  They did not listen to what I wanted nor did they respect what we requested.  Time after time, every time they came in the room they would ask me if I wanted to go see Kiernan or hold him...would tell me over and over how I needed to do this.  I'm sorry, but no one, not even me, knew exactly what I needed.  All I knew was at that time, I couldn't do it.  The grief and sadness and anguish were already too much to bare.  I couldn't go hold my baby boy.  I know they didn't try to make me feel guilty, but wow...ya did.  Ashley was my nurse on Saturday.  When she came in to introduce herself to me, all she said was...I have a question...and I stopped her and told her the answer was no and please leave it be.  She said ok and that was that.  So Ashley...even though you may never know this, thank you for respecting our decision.  It meant alot to me and to Steve.  We had another nurse, Autumn I think, on Sunday who was great as well.  When Steve walked in, I was crying and getting pretty hysterical.  The medical records lady had come and asked for the spelling of Kiernan's name and I just lost it. Steve walked in and told everybody to get out of my room.  Done. Period.  Any questions go to him.  I think that was one area he could control.  He couldn't take away my pain. He couldn't "fix" the situation or me, but this, this he could fix.  Autumn came back in the room and just smiled and said..wow you have a great husband.  And I do.  Today..I sent him a text and told him I loved him more than red velvet cheesecake brownies (omg...to DIE for)...and his response was he loved me more than fishing.  The only response I could have was WHOA.  Ha!

I've been emailing with a new friend Janice, who has been in my shoes a few years ago.  I hope her son Jack and Kiernan are causing a ruckus together.  She hit the nail on the head today.  We were talking about grief and anger.  There are a couple of situations that all I see is red. Red Red Red...like am I going to start saying Red Rum like Jack Nicholson?  Or is it red room?  I tend to make up words to stuff! Ha!  But anyway...other situations I'm just sad.  A friend announced today on FB that they are expecting.  I'm sad...not for wanting her baby, but because I want MY baby.  That's what makes me sad.  Sad because my body isn't ready yet to try again, and I'm not sure if my heart is either.  Sad that it's expected or requested to use Kiernan's stuff, because it's not being used anyway.  No..that's the anger coming out.  That's the I want to punch you in the face repeatedly feeling.  That's the I need to shoot a gun at a target before I punch you in the face.  But, some things never change.  Not that I want any one else to go through what we did, but Janice has helped me so much, along with another blog, Horomonal Imbalances.  It makes me feel not so alone sometimes.

On a partly sunny note...we have a busy hopefully fun filled weekend.  I look forward to being busy and being with friends and family.

PS--Tomorrow is the big WW weigh in...nerves...