Sunday Blues

Some know this story, some may not. Here's some background info for my ranting later on... I had a missed miscarriage in November 2010.  The miscarriage happened at 12 weeks, but we later found out the baby did not make it past 7. I had a D&C.  That was what I thought was the most horrific thing that could ever happen to me. Steve was quiet and we didn't talk it about it much.  I tried to handle it and deal with it myself through talking with others that have been through it and by writing it down.  Eventually, the pain lessened and I feel guilty but I didn't think about it every day.
After we got back from Nashville for our 1 year anniversary, I found out I was pregnant again.  Boy did I have mixed feelings.  We went to the doctor and everything was great.  I had a pretty normal pregnancy, only getting high blood pressure towards the end.  I started some meds for it and it was under control.  Monday, Kiernan's heart rate was 150. Friday, Kiernan was dead. I remember laying in the hospital bed screaming that this couldn't be true.  Life just wasn't that cruel. We were 38 weeks and had already set up our c section time/date.  I remember the nurses shushing me and trying to calm me down. I remember overwhelming anger and just wanting to punch them in the face.  I felt like someone had ripped out my heart, then laughed in my face. The next few days are/were a blur.  I remember people coming by. I remember trying to act like I was normal.  This was just a bad bad dream.  But it wasn't.  So now, not only did I lose my baby, but I also had surgery that I was having to deal with as well.  As if it weren't bad enough, I will always have a physical scar as well as an emotional scar that my son was taken from me too early.  We hear all the cliche sayings...God only gives you as much as you can handle...It happened to you because you are strong and can handle it...One of my favorites was how special it was that I was a vessel for an angel into heaven.  Seriously? Because I call BS on every single one of those.  The cold hard facts are, my son is dead, and no one can bring him back or take away my pain. No one.
I was one of 5 people at work pregnant.  Some days I can handle it. Other days it's a slap in the face.  Not that I want anyone else to ever go through this, but I'm ashamed to say it runs through my mind why me and not them? What did I do wrong? What did I do during my life that warranted this to happen?  No, I don't want to see pictures of your new baby or hold him.  I want mine.  Alive and healthy. One of the girls started back to work this week and she asked me to give her hug.  I don't want to give you a hug. I want to scream because this happened to me and not to you.  Then I feel guilty for even thinking that for a split second.  However, life goes on.
We found out there was absolutely nothing they could find wrong with Kiernan.  Nothing from the Mayo Clinic, from chromosomal and genetic testing, or from the autopsy.  I will always wonder why.  I felt that sweet baby kick and hiccup.  I felt the somersaults and stretching.  I watched my body grow and was never so proud of it.
Now, I can honestly say I'm disgusted by what I see. Maybe it's because I have the weight gain and no baby.  I'm going with that right now.  However, I am eating well and trying to exercise when the plantar fasciitis isn't eating me alive.  I have 2 supportive coworkers and that helps a bunch.
I never forget about him, but some days are alot easier than others. Honestly, today is not one of those days.  Today I want to scream and cry and punch something.  I want it all to go away.  I want to be "normal".  I want my worst care in the world to be that I have to go to work tomorrow.  Today, I feel the world has moved on and forgotten about my grief and my sorrow.  I feel consumed by it, but noone sees it.  In a way, I want it to be that way. I don't want pity, and no one can understand.  Other moments I just want someone to show up, wrap their arms around me and force me to acknowledge how I feel.  I know Steve and I grieve differently, and I know Steve feels the loss of our baby deeply.  However, at times it's like he's moved on and I'm stuck in my hamster wheel going round and round with no end in sight.  From other women I've talked to who have been through this, it seems like this is a common difference between men and women.  So, for today, I'm trying to be ok with being sad and angry.  Tomorrow is always a fresh start.