Tuesday, July 2, 2013

16 months later

I find myself not writing as much as I did in the beginning. I guess that means I'm busy?! Today marks 16 months since our son died. It's so hard to believe it's been that long. Sometimes it seems like a bad dream, a nightmare. I say his name out loud sometimes, and people shy away. I'm sure it's uncomfortable for them, but he was still my baby. Kiernan Patrick. There are days I still feel guilty, but now in a different way. Sometimes everything gets pushed to the back of my mind, and while its still there, I don't consciously think about it. Is it healthy? I don't know, but it works for me. I'm busy being a wife and a mother, as well as working a full time job. I'm slowly learning its ok to have a date night or a girls night out and leave Elleigh for a few. Don't get me wrong...Elleigh is a fabulous baby! But there are days that I want to pull my hair out...nothing I do can soothe her or "fix" it. I try so hard to not let it affect me..because if I do, then I'm not the best mom or heaven forbid someone will see me that way.  At least up north I could say screw you versus being southern and trying to please the world! ha! Goodness I hope I'm not the only insane mom that feels this way. After having a stillborn, sometimes I feel like if I admit to an "I'm a sucky mom" day, or "I'm at my wits end" day then people judge me....your child died, you have another, shut up and be grateful. Maybe that's just my whackoness coming through. I was told right after Elleigh was born that some of these feelings might surface, and they have. Truth is, Elleigh is an infant. I'm a new mom and trying to juggle mommy-hood, a full time job, and being a wife...lets not even mention weight loss or keeping the house clean!  There are days that she and I might have a who can cry more contest....and that's ok! We will get through it, move on, and NOTHING can diminish my love for her. Can I just insert here that I never fully understood the love of a mommy for her baby until I held her?  Kinda random, but so true. At the end of my work day I can't wait to snuggle up....then again, some Mondays I can't wait to drop her off to Mimi's and know that Mimi and Amanda will snuggle her and I can have some adult conversation...even if its repeating myself ten thousand times (oh the life of a geriatric therapist!). I say all this to say...own it. Whatever feelings you have, be open and honest and own it. I try to internalize it and be just peachy for everyone when some days I just wanna say, you know what? Life is sucky today. I've had several people reach out to me that have gone through something similar and I hope one day I can help someone through this. It's not inky the struggle of having a stillborn child, but the struggle of moving on, having more children, and functioning on a day to day basis that's hard. New people don't know what you went/are going through. Others try to act like nothing happened in your best interest. Several people have reached out to me through here..needing to vent or talk. I never thought anyone would read these, much less total strangers! I always like to talk about Kiernan and my feelings/thoughts..always feel free to reach out. It's ever good to hold it inside.

My birthday was last weekend and my husband got me an Origami Owl necklace. Who knew he listened to me?! My charms are a book (love me some reading time!), a music note...I sing and play piano...a little girl with Elleighs birthstone, and Kiernans birthstone. He also added a back plate of "love"for us and a dangly charm of angels wings...to always remind me our precious little boy is still with us. Elleigh is such a precious (and good!) baby....99% of the time she's asleep FOR THE NIGHTat 630...until 539ish the next day...and has been since about 8 weeks old (yes, we understand we are blessed -ha!). I like to think big brother has something to do with it..understanding how much we miss him. Of course Auntie Rebekah says when E is 2 or 3 she has to be bad, otherwise it's just not fair. Ha!