Sigh. I've been dreading this day for 364 days. My heart is so heavy. Every itty bitty piece of me is aching. I miss my sweet boy with an intensity that is still as strong as the day we heard "I'm so sorry, there's no heart beat." This day will forever live in my heart and mind.
As some of you know, if anyone is even reading this, I was one of five preggo with a boy at work. We attended one of those birthday parties last weekend. What a joy it is to see that sweet little boy enjoying his day, full of life and spunk....yet agonizing knowing I'll never have that chance. People tell you it gets easier...and it does in a way. It's not an everyday I feel like I'm dead inside kind of feeling.....but...when it hits, it throws a punch straight to the gut that knocks the breath out of me. There are days I congratulate myself that outwardly people think I'm just a regular person. I made it through the day appearing normal. If they only knew what goes on in my head and heart.
I was told this week to enjoy my daughter. Trust me, I live every moment with that sweet girl in my heart. When I began to get teary once this past week, someone patted me on the shoulder and said "but look what you have now" as I was holding Elleigh. While I will always love Elleigh with every morsel of my soul, she's not Kiernan. I understand what I was being told, and I know no harm was meant in the statement...but..it's like telling a mom of 3 to pick which 2 she loves the best. I love all 3 of my kids to the moon and back. One I only had a few weeks to know they were even there..the next, Kiernan, I had 38 weeks with, and Elleigh is currently 14 months. Life can be so cruel. I don't feel strong, and sometimes barely hold it together. There are days I just want to cry...days that I'm happy...days that I'm just angry and seemingly don't understand why until I make myself stop and think.
It has helped to share our story and journey with others who have or are going through this. I've said it before, but sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who remembers him and all the plans we had. For those of you who have sent sweet messages or thought about us, or prayed for us today, thank you.
Happy 2nd birthday Kiernan Patrick! I wish I could squeeze you tight. Know Mommy misses you so much and always will...I love you..to the moon and back......