Sunday, March 2, 2014

2 years

Sigh. I've been dreading this day for 364 days. My heart is so heavy. Every itty bitty piece of me is aching. I miss my sweet boy with an intensity that is still as strong as the day we heard "I'm so sorry, there's no heart beat." This day will forever live in my heart and mind.

As some of you know, if anyone is even reading this, I was one of five preggo with a boy at work. We attended one of those birthday parties last weekend. What a joy it is to see that sweet little boy enjoying his day, full of life and spunk....yet agonizing knowing I'll never have that chance. People tell you it gets easier...and it does in a way. It's not an everyday I feel like I'm dead inside kind of feeling.....but...when it hits, it throws a punch straight to the gut that knocks the breath out of me. There are days I congratulate myself that outwardly people think I'm just a regular person. I made it through the day appearing normal. If they only knew what goes on in my head and heart.

I was told this week to enjoy my daughter. Trust me, I live every moment with that sweet girl in my heart. When I began to get teary once this past week, someone patted me on the shoulder and said "but look what you have now" as I was holding Elleigh. While I will always love Elleigh with every morsel of my soul, she's not Kiernan. I understand what I was being told, and I know no harm was meant in the's like telling a mom of 3 to pick which 2 she loves the best. I love all 3 of my kids to the moon and back. One I only had a few weeks to know they were even there..the next, Kiernan, I had 38 weeks with, and Elleigh is currently 14 months. Life can be so cruel. I don't feel strong, and sometimes barely hold it together. There are days I just want to cry...days that I'm happy...days that I'm just angry and seemingly don't understand why until I make myself stop and think.

It has helped to share our story and journey with others who have or are going through this. I've said it before, but sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who remembers him and all the plans we had. For those of you who have sent sweet messages or thought about us, or prayed for us today, thank you.

Happy 2nd birthday Kiernan Patrick! I wish I could squeeze you tight. Know Mommy misses you so much and always will...I love the moon and back......


  1. Thinking of you and your sweet angel today and always <3 Thank you for sharing your feelings, I feel exactly the same way as you.... but I'm too scared to express my feelings.. I just want everyone to think that I'm OK, when sometimes I just want to explode with all the emotions that run through my mind and heart...

    With Love,
    Jessica Lowe

  2. Happy Birthday, Kirenan. For some reason it's the birthdays of these little ones that make me wonder the most what they must be doing now. I have this lovely image in my mind of bunches of babies laughing with each other on some heavenly grassy yard.

    You know, before we lost Jack I didn't realize that each kid somehow encompasses every bit of your soul. I can love my living kid with every ounce of me, and yet every ounce of me misses Jack. How is that possible? You know, we've moved to a new town and no one hear knows about Jack. Somehow i haven't been able to squeeze him into the, "Hi! how many kids do you have?" questions that are tossed out during story hour at the library.

    Ok, now I'm just chattering about myself instead of responding to you about Kiernan. Apparently I needed to offload a little to someone who knows too. :)

    This post was perfect. A beautiful picture of how complex and sad and happy and just complicated life is after you lose someone as precious as Kiernan.

    Thinking of you,