bumpy kinda week

So this week has been a bit of a roller coaster.  I found out that I failed my glucose test and have gestational diabetes.  For many of you reading this, it's not a big deal..it happens.  It's a HUGE deal to me. 

So many emotions have come and gone since then.  While the internet can provide some good info, it can also terrify you.  I could check off most of the "you are at a high risk for gestational diabetes if" boxes...I hadn't lost the weight from Kiernan before getting pregnant again, so check.  Strong family history of type 2...again, check.  Previous unexplained stillbirth...check.  I think the only box I didn't fit in was the African-American/Asian one. 

So..you might say..ok..all you have to do is not eat sweets.  Done..there ya go.  It's not that easy.  It's a very emotional diagnosis for me.  I've always been sensitive about my weight, and have to work very hard at it.  It's not easy for me.  About 3 years ago, I lost 50 pounds.  I look back at those pictures now and love how I looked and how I felt..of course, at the time, I still didn't think it was enough.  I'm not very kind to myself when it comes to weight.  Then my car accident happened, and no more working out for 10 months...then I started back, and got pregnant.  Miscarriage plus D/C...no working out for 6 weeks.  Then we moved to Bama..hello TONS of food they don't have in New England!  Then pregnant again...then stillbirth/world crashing..no working out for 6 weeks...except oops!  Preggo again in 5! 

All I could think about when I heard about GD was how much I blamed myself.  If I hadn't gained some of my weight back maybe I wouldn't be here now.  Yes, I know, people of all shapes and sizes get GD.  However, it's different for me in my own head.  I totally blame myself.  Then I started doing research online.  I read one little article how sometimes in previous pregnancies you can get a false negative on a glucose test, or be borderline (which I was borderline).  It went on to say how GD can cause respiratory problems in babies, and can even cause death, before or right after birth.  There it was.  That one little sentences sent me into the biggest tailspin.  All I could think about was maybe I was responsible for Kiernan's death.  Maybe I killed him.  You may think it's silly and ridiculous that that thought ever crossed my mind.  But, I guess I"ll never stop searching for a reason it happened.  It will always be in the back of my mind.  Ever since the second I found out he was gone, I've felt somewhat responsible...because it was my body that was supposed to keep him safe and sound and healthy..and didn't.  Now, even while I feel Elleigh kicking like crazy this morning, the "is it going to happen again" thought creeps into my mind more and more.  It's a catch 22....we are getting so close to having our little girl with us (As a side note...Steve says she has to have a tutu in every color!)..but then again, we are so much close to when we lost Kiernan. 

But I digress.  I wasn't going to tell anyone about GD.  I'm ashamed because I think I could have done better and maybe stopped this from happening.  Maybe I couldn't have.  But, either way, it's done.  It's here.  So, there are some major changes going on in our home.  I'm thankful to have a doctor who is keeping such a close eye on us.  I'm thankful that my insurance is paying for me to go to a class and learn more about what I need to do (instead of doing scary research online).  But mostly, super thankful for a husband who is willing to change eating habits with me.  While we both have been wanting to change but seriously lacking motivation...this was the kick we needed.  If we can get through everything else we've been through, we can get through this too. 

the ups and the downs

So much has been going on in our lives since I last blogged.  It seems like I think about blogging a lot, however, when I get home, I crash!

Several friends have had highs and lows lately.  A friend of mine, a friend I haven't seen in too long, lost her sweet baby about a month ago.  Her twin sister has been in and out of the hospital with what I"m assuming is the same thing.  I can't imagine what this sweet mommy and daddy are going through.  They day I found out that Laurel had died, was the first time I had looked at her pictures on facebook, not knowing what had happened yet.  After Kiernan died, I went into self preservation mode I guess.  If anyone had had a baby recently, I had turned off the option to see their pictures.  I just couldn't bare it. That Saturday morning, I decided I could do it.  I wanted to see her babies, and so many others.  I sent their mom a message, saying how beautiful they were.  An hour later, if that, I found out Laurel had died.  I felt horrible that I had sent that message.  I still, of course, think they are beautiful.  I feel guilty that I waited 8 months to see their pictures.   I feel guilty I never met the girls.  Their mom was so good to me through both my miscarriage and through Kiernan's death.  Going to Laurel's visitation was one of the hardest things I've done.  However, I hope that on some minute scale I helped and showed my thankfulness to how good that family was to us in our sad times.

A coworker lost her twins at 14 weeks this week.  Her son was stillborn, but her daughter's heart was still beating.  However, because they were only 14 weeks, she couldn't survive.  It breaks my heart for her.  I hate that she will come back to work on Monday, and will see my pregnant belly.  I hate that I will be a reminder to her. 

Both of these things, but more so the first story, has sent me into a bit of a tail spin at times.  It terrifies me to really grasp how short life is.  How there are no guarantees.  No promises.  There have been several trips to the doctor's office, just for reassurance.  It somewhat helps that now Elleigh is moving pretty consistently.  Some days though, I have to stop and think...has she moved today? Have I felt her?  Or I have I just been too busy that I haven't noticed it?  Thankfully, every time I have started my internal battle of this, she's given me a swift kick to remind me she's ok.  I had an ultrasound this week and Elleigh wasn't very cooperative.  If it had been our 4D, we wouldn't have been able to see her.  She was all balled up with her back to us.  Every time the tech would tap on my belly to try to get her to move, she hit back.  I couldn't help but laugh...stubborn little thing!  Thankfully, on the 30th we have another growth ultrasound, and if she's in a  good position, then they will flip on the 4D option.  PS--we are having monthly growth ultrasounds because sometimes a baby after stillborn is very small and has growth problems.  So far, she's right on the mark. 

I've had some wild emotions lately.  Some days I just want to cry.  I just want to close my eyes, and wake up with this pregnancy over and a baby in my arms.  Some days I just think what if this doesn't happen?  How will we ever survive it? But, I try to not dwell on it.  I try to think of all the wonderful things that are to come.  I cry if I need to, but for whatever reason, I still try to just deal with it inside. I thought the question "Is this your first baby?" would get easier..it hasn't.  Especially working in a population that has memory issues and forgets my answer!  I still am trying to be the happy go lucky girl I used to be. Some times that is possible.  Other times it's not.  I guess only time can truly heal. 

Onto some good news...a friend got news that her numbers are great, and she is cancer free.  I'm so excited for her and her family.  She's been such a rock for me through out everything...a guaranteed laugh no what the situation or time.  I'm truly grateful for her and ecstatic over her good news!

As if life wasn't stressful enough, we are building a house.  I'm so excited about it.  I'm sure our realtor is ready to be rid of us (I've had LOTS of questions!)!  We are building in Owens Cross Roads, outside of Huntsville.  Steve is excited it's about 6 minutes from Guntersville Dam.  Ha!  Hopefully we will close before Elleigh gets here!

Well, that's all for now...I think I've gotten everything out that I've wanted to or thought about.  As October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month...to all those others who belong in our 'club', thoughts and hugs go out...