bumpy kinda week

So this week has been a bit of a roller coaster.  I found out that I failed my glucose test and have gestational diabetes.  For many of you reading this, it's not a big deal..it happens.  It's a HUGE deal to me. 

So many emotions have come and gone since then.  While the internet can provide some good info, it can also terrify you.  I could check off most of the "you are at a high risk for gestational diabetes if" boxes...I hadn't lost the weight from Kiernan before getting pregnant again, so check.  Strong family history of type 2...again, check.  Previous unexplained stillbirth...check.  I think the only box I didn't fit in was the African-American/Asian one. 

So..you might say..ok..all you have to do is not eat sweets.  Done..there ya go.  It's not that easy.  It's a very emotional diagnosis for me.  I've always been sensitive about my weight, and have to work very hard at it.  It's not easy for me.  About 3 years ago, I lost 50 pounds.  I look back at those pictures now and love how I looked and how I felt..of course, at the time, I still didn't think it was enough.  I'm not very kind to myself when it comes to weight.  Then my car accident happened, and no more working out for 10 months...then I started back, and got pregnant.  Miscarriage plus D/C...no working out for 6 weeks.  Then we moved to Bama..hello TONS of food they don't have in New England!  Then pregnant again...then stillbirth/world crashing..no working out for 6 weeks...except oops!  Preggo again in 5! 

All I could think about when I heard about GD was how much I blamed myself.  If I hadn't gained some of my weight back maybe I wouldn't be here now.  Yes, I know, people of all shapes and sizes get GD.  However, it's different for me in my own head.  I totally blame myself.  Then I started doing research online.  I read one little article how sometimes in previous pregnancies you can get a false negative on a glucose test, or be borderline (which I was borderline).  It went on to say how GD can cause respiratory problems in babies, and can even cause death, before or right after birth.  There it was.  That one little sentences sent me into the biggest tailspin.  All I could think about was maybe I was responsible for Kiernan's death.  Maybe I killed him.  You may think it's silly and ridiculous that that thought ever crossed my mind.  But, I guess I"ll never stop searching for a reason it happened.  It will always be in the back of my mind.  Ever since the second I found out he was gone, I've felt somewhat responsible...because it was my body that was supposed to keep him safe and sound and healthy..and didn't.  Now, even while I feel Elleigh kicking like crazy this morning, the "is it going to happen again" thought creeps into my mind more and more.  It's a catch 22....we are getting so close to having our little girl with us (As a side note...Steve says she has to have a tutu in every color!)..but then again, we are so much close to when we lost Kiernan. 

But I digress.  I wasn't going to tell anyone about GD.  I'm ashamed because I think I could have done better and maybe stopped this from happening.  Maybe I couldn't have.  But, either way, it's done.  It's here.  So, there are some major changes going on in our home.  I'm thankful to have a doctor who is keeping such a close eye on us.  I'm thankful that my insurance is paying for me to go to a class and learn more about what I need to do (instead of doing scary research online).  But mostly, super thankful for a husband who is willing to change eating habits with me.  While we both have been wanting to change but seriously lacking motivation...this was the kick we needed.  If we can get through everything else we've been through, we can get through this too.