Saturday, October 6, 2012

the ups and the downs

So much has been going on in our lives since I last blogged.  It seems like I think about blogging a lot, however, when I get home, I crash!

Several friends have had highs and lows lately.  A friend of mine, a friend I haven't seen in too long, lost her sweet baby about a month ago.  Her twin sister has been in and out of the hospital with what I"m assuming is the same thing.  I can't imagine what this sweet mommy and daddy are going through.  They day I found out that Laurel had died, was the first time I had looked at her pictures on facebook, not knowing what had happened yet.  After Kiernan died, I went into self preservation mode I guess.  If anyone had had a baby recently, I had turned off the option to see their pictures.  I just couldn't bare it. That Saturday morning, I decided I could do it.  I wanted to see her babies, and so many others.  I sent their mom a message, saying how beautiful they were.  An hour later, if that, I found out Laurel had died.  I felt horrible that I had sent that message.  I still, of course, think they are beautiful.  I feel guilty that I waited 8 months to see their pictures.   I feel guilty I never met the girls.  Their mom was so good to me through both my miscarriage and through Kiernan's death.  Going to Laurel's visitation was one of the hardest things I've done.  However, I hope that on some minute scale I helped and showed my thankfulness to how good that family was to us in our sad times.

A coworker lost her twins at 14 weeks this week.  Her son was stillborn, but her daughter's heart was still beating.  However, because they were only 14 weeks, she couldn't survive.  It breaks my heart for her.  I hate that she will come back to work on Monday, and will see my pregnant belly.  I hate that I will be a reminder to her. 

Both of these things, but more so the first story, has sent me into a bit of a tail spin at times.  It terrifies me to really grasp how short life is.  How there are no guarantees.  No promises.  There have been several trips to the doctor's office, just for reassurance.  It somewhat helps that now Elleigh is moving pretty consistently.  Some days though, I have to stop and think...has she moved today? Have I felt her?  Or I have I just been too busy that I haven't noticed it?  Thankfully, every time I have started my internal battle of this, she's given me a swift kick to remind me she's ok.  I had an ultrasound this week and Elleigh wasn't very cooperative.  If it had been our 4D, we wouldn't have been able to see her.  She was all balled up with her back to us.  Every time the tech would tap on my belly to try to get her to move, she hit back.  I couldn't help but laugh...stubborn little thing!  Thankfully, on the 30th we have another growth ultrasound, and if she's in a  good position, then they will flip on the 4D option.  PS--we are having monthly growth ultrasounds because sometimes a baby after stillborn is very small and has growth problems.  So far, she's right on the mark. 

I've had some wild emotions lately.  Some days I just want to cry.  I just want to close my eyes, and wake up with this pregnancy over and a baby in my arms.  Some days I just think what if this doesn't happen?  How will we ever survive it? But, I try to not dwell on it.  I try to think of all the wonderful things that are to come.  I cry if I need to, but for whatever reason, I still try to just deal with it inside. I thought the question "Is this your first baby?" would get hasn't.  Especially working in a population that has memory issues and forgets my answer!  I still am trying to be the happy go lucky girl I used to be. Some times that is possible.  Other times it's not.  I guess only time can truly heal. 

Onto some good news...a friend got news that her numbers are great, and she is cancer free.  I'm so excited for her and her family.  She's been such a rock for me through out everything...a guaranteed laugh no what the situation or time.  I'm truly grateful for her and ecstatic over her good news!

As if life wasn't stressful enough, we are building a house.  I'm so excited about it.  I'm sure our realtor is ready to be rid of us (I've had LOTS of questions!)!  We are building in Owens Cross Roads, outside of Huntsville.  Steve is excited it's about 6 minutes from Guntersville Dam.  Ha!  Hopefully we will close before Elleigh gets here!

Well, that's all for now...I think I've gotten everything out that I've wanted to or thought about.  As October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness all those others who belong in our 'club', thoughts and hugs go out...

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