Sometimes, I think people don't want to know, or maybe just not deal with true feelings...maybe feelings that aren't so happy go lucky. I'm just not that person who can fake being happy when my heart is hurting. I've been tearful all day. It's been a struggle to smile and act normal. My heart is heavy and just hurts so much. Saturday will be a year since Kiernan died. I still remember every second. I remember what I had on. I remember Steve thinking I was overreacting. I remember that sinking feeling when I just knew there wouldn't be a heartbeat. This isn't something a mother should have to remember. While tornadoes were tormenting our city, a whirlwind of emotion was just beginning in our life.
A lot has happened in a year. I never thought I'd have to read through an autopsy report for my child. I didn't know of I'd ever have a healthy child, or if I could physically, and emotionally, go through pregnancy for a third time. It was always so hard to answer the question "how many times have you been pregnant vs how many children do you have?" Even while I was hooked up to the monitors, getting ready to have Elleigh, when the nurses would refer to Kiernan's death as my "demise". Sigh.
As you know, we now have a healthy, beautiful baby girl. She's more than perfect. I'm still terrified of something going wrong...sickness, SIDS, anything that could hurt her. It's a burden, and I'm doing Bette twitch living for the moment...but it's still there in the back of my mind.
I've been told that I shouldn't be so sad about this weekend. Yes, it's sad that Kiernan died, but at least I "never got to know him"....any woman who has carried a child for 38 weeks, KNOWS her baby...maybe not the same way as others, but I knew him. Period. Another well meaning person told me "at least you have a baby now". I am absolutely grateful for my daughter...but I still miss my son. My heart still aches for me and to have seen him grow as we see Elleigh grow. That will never go away.
Bottom line, I just want to cry today. Maybe it is a pity party. All I know is that my heart hurts and I cry and I hold my daughter a little bit tighter, and a little bit longer.
I have a challenge. Most probably won't do it, and that's ok. Here it is...Saturday, do something with your child..something wild and crazy and fun. Let our child have an ice cream sundae for breakfast...go for a hike...get your nails done together....whatever it is. Do it...think of our sweet little boy in Heaven, and let me know what you did. I'd love to hear of some special time you spent with your child and have new memories of March 2.