fake it til you make it...

So, let me get it out of the way that this is probably a venting session for me.  Or a cry my eyes out session. Or both.  So...you've been warned. 

*Sigh.  I don't even know where to begin.  Some days I feel ok.  On the days that I don't feel ok, I feel the overwhelming need to fake it and pretend that I'm A-ok.  Sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I am.  At times that's at home, around friends and family, at work, heck at Walmart.  It knows no boundaries, no limitations.  I feel when I'm anywhere but alone, that I have to put a smile on my face and be ok.  There are times when I'm good at it and times when I'm sure that someone is going to call my bluff. Little do they know, if they did, I would burst into tears. 

Pregnancy is supposed to be a joyful time.  It's supposed to be a time when you are all smiles and glowing.  It's supposed to be a time with no worries and everything is perfect.  The biggest concerns should be agreeing on a name, picking out clothes and furniture.  For me, none of that is there.  If I'm getting real honest, we rarely talk about it.  I think I talk about it more at work, and that's usually after they've asked me questions.  I don't really initiate talk.  We shy away from it at home.  The crib is still under the bed, taken apart.  Kiernan's clothes are still in the closet.  Everything is still packed away. I cry alot...alot more than last pregnancy.  I like to think that alot of that is just the hormones.  But I know that the other "alot" of it is our history.  Pregnancy for me is defined as an ongoing terror.  An ongoing suspense movie where you continually ask what's around the next corner. 

If anything good came out of our situation, it's I met Dr. Callison.  I know if you read any of my posts you are probably so sick of hearing me sing her praises, but it's all true.  I had my regular appointment today, and was crying before I even saw her.  Some of you know, last week, while at the dr's office (seeing the nurse practioner) for a sinus infection, they couldn't find the heartbeat.  I freaked out, immediately bawling my eyes out.  Ultrasound found it immediately and all was ok. The NP's response after I apologized was "Don't freak out until you have a reason."  I probably not so politely informed her we've already been through the worst.  So today, when I walked through that door, I'm already freaking out a bit.  Kim, the nurse, asked me how I was.  All I could say was "I'm ok".  She totally got it and said "Ok is good.  I'll take it."  After I explained what happened last week, Kim got a little nervous about finding the heartbeat, but she found it immediately and it was nice and strong.  I, again, just had tears welling up.  I wish I didn't have to go through this pregnancy, but get the results.  Sometimes, specifically lately because I feel like I'm crying all the time, I feel so weak.  I feel like "the crying girl" is what defines me.  I never imagined that's who I'd be.  I don't want to be her.  Dr. C just held my hand and told me she wished she could just put me into a coma and wake me up and it be Dec 31. 

I am feeling baby move, but it's not constant yet...which is normal.  BUT, when I feel the baby, then don't for a day or so, my mind immediately goes into "oh crap what's wrong?".  Today I have an ache in my back...what's my first thought?  Back pain=miscarriage...this is what's happening.  I can't help it.  I try.  I really do, but I can't stop my mind from going in that direction.  I told Dr. C about all of this today, and she assured me it's normal for a person who has been through what we have.  Some days it seems like so long ago, and other times it seems like it was just yesterday.  I don't know the last time I slept all night.  I  can more easily ignore my thoughts during the day.  As soon as I close my book and turn the lights off to go to sleep, my brain is in over drive.  Then I'm exhausted, which makes me more likely to cry...never ending stupid cycle. 

I had a patient ask me today the "dreaded question".  Is this your first?  I hesitated for a second, and told her no and left it at that.  Later, when it was just the 2 of us, I explained what happened, without tears, and it felt good for me.  Then, another patient (who is a repeat customer for us...she was on my caseload when everything happened) on my caseload said hi to me, and took my hand and told me how sorry she was that Kiernan died, and how all my friends and patients felt the pain with me.  It was the sweetest thing to say  and I almost lost it.  For those of you who have grieved with me, thank you for your support and being there for us.

Now, all this being said, please understand we are both extremely happy to be pregnant.  Over the moon.  There are just so many fears that go along with it this go around.  I hope that once the movements get more regular,and then we start the bi weekly fetal heart monitoring it will help ease some of the thoughts that loop through my head.  And I do have good days, and good moments on the bad days. I don't want it to come across that I"m all gloom and doom.  I'm just more gloom and doom than I was before.  The first pregnancy I was just naive.  Then miscarriage happens.  Then pregnancy #2...after passing the miscarriage point, everything was nothing but roses.  Then at 38 weeks,our world crashed and burned.  Now being pregnant again, it's hard to let myself get excited.  I feel like I've been on a losing streak and I'm scared to jinx myself into thinking that the streak is coming to an end.  Someone at work the other day said at least when I had my baby it would replace the loss.  No baby will ever EVER replace my son.  He will always be my first born.  He will always be in my heart.  But, there is room for another baby in my heart, just like other people have more than one child and love them equally. 

So...be patient with both us.  Remember us in your thoughts, prayers, good vibes, whatever you do.  Know that even we don't demonstrate it, we are happy and thankful and over the moon about baby. 

I'm done venting for the night..and crying...now onto bed, a book, and knowing tomorrow is not only Friday, but PAY DAY Friday (who am I kidding, it's already gone before it gets deposited!)......