Saturday, June 2, 2012

Being happy with the small things..

I have lots of wisdom to impart with today.  Ok. Not really, but I'm not falling apart, therefore today has been successful so far.  Even though today is the day it is, it's been a great weekend.  Let me explain my Friday night and wonderful husband....go jealous...

I came home from work a little early.  When I got home, Steve's car was already home.  All I could think about was...oh Lord...he pissed someone off and got sent home from work..ha!  I walked in the door to him yelling "No, no, aren't supposed to be home yet!".  He brought him clothes out and sent me walking.  So...I went and did the 2.5 mile loop around the lake...the weather was perfect!  Down south, you cherish those 75 degree days!  When I got home, all the lights and blinds were closed....there were candles covering every surface.  There was the sweetest card, and a glass of wine poured.  Steve was no where to be found.  There was a note that said to follow the candles, which were formed in an arrow towards the bedroom (don't's staying G-rated!).  Now, let me interrupt right here.  Steve screwed himself when were dating and engaged because he showed he could be super romantic.  I still have this framed thing where Steve wrote a reason why he loved me for every letter of the alphabet.  So I know what he's capable of!  Anyway...walk back towards the bedroom, more candle, music playing, and bubble bath ready..which was awesome after my walk! Oh--and I can't forget the sugar free chocolates!  Then we went and had dinner and wine at the Stem and Stein...our first time there, but we will definitely go back!  All in all, it was a great night.  I love the romantic stuff.  I need it.  It made me feel special, even though I know he thinks I"m special (and I mean special in a good way--ha!).

Today, it's actually been a pretty good day.  In all his romanticness yesterday, my house getting cleaned was I didn't have to do that today.  We spent the day with Finnigan up at Monte Sano state park and did a 3.5 mile loop.  It is such a beautiful day outside, being a whole lot cooler than normal...I'll take it!  I've teared up a couple of times, but it hasn't been a washout.

I've come to the realization that I will never be "over" Kiernan passing away.  I will never forget him...or the somersaults he used to do in my belly.  I'll never forget the pounding of his sweet little heartbeat or seeing those 4D ultrasounds.  I'm soooo thankful we spent the money and had that done.  I know one day I will cherish those pictures.  Right now I can't look at them.  So there are alot of good things to remember about Kiernan and I"ll cherish every one of those.  But on the other hand I'll always remember those horrible moments of finding out he was gone.  I can't be like some other people and be happy that he is in heaven and is now with God. Cause you know what? I don't really care, honestly.  I want him here, with me.  Strapped on his daddy's back while we went hiking today.  But, it's out of my control.  I think that is one of the hardest things for me..not being able to "control" things right now.

If you know me even a little, I"m a bit OCD, or even a control freak somewhat.  I can't control my emotions.  I'm trying to be patient with myself on so many levels, on being ok with crying one second and somewhat happy the next is one of those things.  I can't control my body and "getting back to normal", no matter how much I want to move on to the next phase. I can't control not wanting to see pictures of other people's babies, or the anger I feel towards some people who are pregnant.

 Some people know that I'm doing Weight Watchers again, and having a good time with it.  I'm eating better, being active more.  Those are two things that I CAN control out of all this chaos that has become my life.  It makes me feel good and successful at something, and I'll grasp onto anything that I can to feel that way right now.

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