As the second of the month quickly approaches, I find myself slipping into that sad pattern....not wanting to do anything or go anywhere. Just wanting to lay in bed and cry about how unfair life is right now. It would be so easy to do that, but I refuse to let myself. I may cry myself silly on the way to or from work, but then it's game face on. I CAN get through this. I don't really have a choice. Life moves on. Friends get pregnant and have their babies...even mothers who don't deserve to BE a mother. Babies show up at work...on the cover of a magazine. People complain about how their children are driving them crazy or how they haven't gotten a real night's sleep in a week or longer. Some days I can sympathize with that. Other days, I just want to say "You stupid moron! Why are you complaining to ME about this? Don't you know what I would give up for that moment?"
I've talked to a couple of friends lately about not having much experience with being angry. I think I've said it before, but some people just leave me feeling sad and empty about my own baby, but happy for them...other people getting that opportunity again and again and again BURNS ME UP. I don't know how to deal with that. I'm angry about so many things. I feel cheated. I want to see Kiernan smile and take his first step. I want to see him roll his eyes when I tell him to clean up his room. I want to meet his first girlfriend and be the mother of the groom. I won't get to do any of that and it's just not fair. Steve bought me a beautiful ring for Valentine's day...it had K's birthstone in it. All I could think about was giving it to him to give to his wife one day. That's never going to happen. I'm angry that I can't sleep, and it's not because I have a baby with colic or is hungry. It's because once the lights go out, all I can think about is everything that's never going to happen. A friend today told me that I have to embrace every emotion and understand that each emotion is me. I can try to rationalize it, or "fix" it, but no matter what, it's still there and it's part of who I am now. There will always be a "pre Kiernan" Alyson, and a "post Kiernan" Alyson. Losing my son, I can't go back to the happy go lucky girl I once was. I have to trust that one day the pain won't be as fresh or in your face, but will be more of a remembrance of the short time we had him.
Life has definitely moved on. Some days I wonder if people even remember him. I know it's unrealistic to expect people to think about him all the time, but I do. We bought a special carrier just so Steve could carry him while we maintained our (new to me!) outdoor life of hiking and such. Steve and I grieve so differently. I know he misses K and would give anything to have him here, healthy, but there are days that I wonder if he misses him as much as I do. Intellectually I know he does....he's going to be such a great father one day if we ever get the chance to raise a child. With Father's Day coming up, I've thought about it a lot...this was my chance to show my child what life with a father who gave a shit could be like. Because I don't know what that's like (Side note--I'm so going to get into trouble for writing the "s" word here...but if Steve said it, my mom would just look at him and shake her head). I've written something about my view on fatherhood and the difference in what mine was like vs what I envisioned for my child, but haven't had the guts to post it yet. That's a level of vulnerability that I don't know if I'm quite up to yet. Of course, it's probably just my mom and sister reading this, so it would be nothing they didn't already know. Stay tuned and see I guess.
That's all I have for now. I feel drained. I'm going to go to bed and read my book even though it's not even 630 yet....
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- ▼ May (14)