Part Uno: We have had a pretty good week last week and weekend. We've been busy. Friday, we went and saw the Avengers at the Prive (for those of you not from here, the Prive is the 21+ upper section of one of our movie theaters....extra large leather "loveseats" and you can order dinner and there is a full bar!). Steve said he will never go to a regular movie again. It was great! However...apparently I've lived a sheltered non-Marvel kinda life. I thought the Hulk and the Jolly Green Giant were the same people. I just kept thinking..wow he's really angry during the movie. Needless to say, there was a Marvel conversation at supper after the movie. I will say, after seeing Thor, Captain A, and Iron Man....I GUESS my eyes can handle watching any super hero movie! As my sister says...freeze face during the movie!
Saturday we went for a hike on Rainbow Mtn in Madison. It's not a hard hike, until the very end and only if you are out of shape. It felt good afterwards though. We haven't done alot of hiking in the past year and I'm looking forward to doing more of it. My goal is to do the Walls of Jericho this fall. It's been said it's about a 6 hour hike so I want to make sure I'm ready for it. Otherwise Steve will get mad at me because I'll whine. Honestly, I'll probably whine anyway!
|Walls of Jericho, North Alabama|
Sunday we spent the day in Albertville with my family. The boys played paintball for my nephew's birthday (and wow do they have some war wounds!) and the girls went shopping. Maggie was mortified that she had to try on clothes, but then she got to get books, so it was all good.
|Bradford's Paintball wound|
I'm so thankful for the good days. They are coming more often which I'm glad for. I don't like being an unhappy sad person. I will say, that you definitely figure out who your friends are when you go through the dark times in your life. We have had support from people that I haven't seen in years. Support from people that I've never even actually met. That feels good. The flip side to that coin is, people that I thought were in our corner have been MIA. I understand some of it may be that nobody knows what to say, but it's still disappointing. I have decided though, that I have enough people to support me in my life. If others don't want to or can't handle the bad situations, then that's just the way it is. Now if I can only stick to that.
Part Dos: After having said good weekend and even today at work, on the way home, I just burst into tears. I'm sure if you were beside me on the Parkway or 565, you probably thought I was a crazy woman. Don't worry....I think I am too to a certain extent. It doesn't take anything in particular to trigger. Sometimes it just happens. This afternoon all I could think about was how it isn't fair. Someone wrote on FB earlier today (as their status) something about quit whining about what's going on in your life because somewhere, someone else has it worse. I'm sure that's true, however, there are moments where I can't see beyond my own grief to even begin to think about someone else. It's not easy to just "let it go". I see what would have been in every.single.moment.in.my.life. For one, I bet if Kiernan were here, I wouldn't be as focused on my weight. Instead, I'm beating myself up about it. I try to make jokes about it, but the truth? The truth is I'm mortified. I came home crying last Thursday. I joined Weight Watchers (which is a great step in the right direction--and I'm excited about it most days) and was upset about my "number". Steve was quick to point out that there was a reason that I put weight on in the first place. Granted, I needed to lose some before, but more now. For me, right now, the weight gain is a constant reminder of what I don't have right now. So--Hi my name is Aly and I'm doing WW...I will be the girl taking up time counting points at a restaurant or the grocery store :)
I wish that I would have the chance to feel like the worst mother ever when something doesn't go right. Instead, I feel like such a failure sometimes. For whatever reason, my body wasn't able to protect my baby. No matter what is said to me or reports I have, I wonder if I will always have this feeling deep down inside. Feelings of failing at my chance of being a mother. People say don't dwell on it or that I did nothing wrong. Intellectually I can understand that, maybe even appreciate it. Emotionally, I can't stop it. If I ask myself do I think that I deserve a baby more than someone else, at times, the answer is yes. Just being honest. Bottom line is, I want my son. I want to hold him and snuggle him. I want to be tired because he woke up 5 times during the night. Instead, I'm tired because I can't sleep. But the bottom line to the bottom line is, that's not going to happen. Sigh. So, my house is clean. I'm clean. The groceries are bought. Clean sheets on the bed. DVR is empty. Laundry is caught up. These are all things that I had been prepared to give up, but now have no reason to. We'll get there. We will be happy people again. One day, we will hopefully be able to tell our son or daughter about their big brother. Today's not that day. Tomorrow might not be either. Just know I am trying to be the person you used to know. I'm trying to be happy and as normal as I can be (no jokes here!).
Today, tonight, I'm going to hold my husband's hand and be ever so thankful that it's him that I'm on this journey with. I don't know what I would do without him.
|Fun times in Nashville at the Aquarium Restaurant|