Monday, May 21, 2012

The Jolly Green Giant is angry?!

This will be a 2 part post.

Part Uno: We have had a pretty good week last week and weekend.  We've been busy.  Friday, we went and saw the Avengers at the Prive (for those of you not from here, the Prive is the 21+ upper section of one of our movie theaters....extra large leather "loveseats" and you can order dinner and there is a full bar!). Steve said he will never go to a regular movie again. It was great!  However...apparently I've lived a sheltered non-Marvel kinda life.  I thought the Hulk and the Jolly Green Giant were the same people.  I just kept thinking..wow he's really angry during the movie.  Needless to say, there was a Marvel conversation at supper after the movie.  I will say, after seeing Thor, Captain A, and Iron Man....I GUESS my eyes can handle watching any super hero movie!  As my sister says...freeze face during the movie!

 Saturday we went for a hike on Rainbow Mtn in Madison.  It's not a hard hike, until the very end and only if you are out of shape.  It felt good afterwards though.  We haven't done alot of hiking in the past year and I'm looking forward to doing more of it.  My goal is to do the Walls of Jericho this fall.  It's been said it's about a 6 hour hike so I want to make sure I'm ready for it.  Otherwise Steve will get mad at me because I'll whine.  Honestly, I'll probably whine anyway! 

Walls of Jericho, North Alabama


Sunday we spent the day in Albertville with my family.  The boys played paintball for my nephew's birthday (and wow do they have some war wounds!) and the girls went shopping.  Maggie was mortified that she had to try on clothes, but then she got to get books, so it was all good.

Bradford's Paintball wound


I'm so thankful for the good days.  They are coming more often which I'm glad for.  I don't like being an unhappy sad person.  I will say, that you definitely figure out who your friends are when you go through the dark times in your life.  We have had support from people that I haven't seen in years.  Support from people that I've never even actually met.  That feels good.  The flip side to that coin is, people that I thought were in our corner have been MIA.  I understand some of it may be that nobody knows what to say, but it's still disappointing.  I have decided though, that I have enough people to support me in my life.  If others don't want to or can't handle the bad situations, then that's just the way it is.  Now if I can only stick to that. 

Part Dos: After having said good weekend and even today at work, on the way home, I just burst into tears.  I'm sure if you were beside me on the Parkway or 565, you probably thought I was a crazy woman.  Don't worry....I think I am too to a certain extent.  It doesn't take anything in particular to trigger. Sometimes it just happens.  This afternoon all I could think about was how it isn't fair.  Someone wrote on FB earlier today (as their status) something about quit whining about what's going on in your life because somewhere, someone else has it worse.  I'm sure that's true, however, there are moments where I can't see beyond my own grief to even begin to think about someone else.  It's not easy to just "let it go".  I see what would have been in every.single.moment.in.my.life. For one, I bet if Kiernan were here, I wouldn't be as focused on my weight.  Instead, I'm beating myself up about it.  I try to make jokes about it, but the truth? The truth is I'm mortified. I came home crying last Thursday.  I joined Weight Watchers (which is a great step in the right direction--and I'm excited about it most days) and was upset about my "number".  Steve was quick to point out that there was a reason that I put weight on in the first place.  Granted, I needed to lose some before, but more now.  For me, right now, the weight gain is a constant reminder of what I don't have right now.  So--Hi my name is Aly and I'm doing WW...I will be the girl taking up time counting points at a restaurant or the grocery store :)

 I wish that I would have the chance to feel like the worst mother ever when something doesn't go right.  Instead, I feel like such a failure sometimes.  For whatever reason, my body wasn't able to protect my baby.  No matter what is said to me or reports I have, I wonder if I will always have this feeling deep down inside.  Feelings of failing at my chance of being a mother.  People say don't dwell on it or that I did nothing wrong.  Intellectually I can understand that, maybe even appreciate it.  Emotionally, I can't stop it.  If I ask myself do I think that I deserve a baby more than someone else, at times, the answer is yes.  Just being honest.  Bottom line is, I want my son.  I want to hold him and snuggle him.  I want to be tired because he woke up 5 times during the night.  Instead, I'm tired because I can't sleep.  But the bottom  line to the bottom line is, that's not going to happen.  Sigh.  So, my house is clean.  I'm clean. The groceries are bought.  Clean sheets on the bed. DVR is empty.  Laundry is caught up. These are all things that I had been prepared to give up, but now have no reason to. We'll get there.  We will be happy people again.  One day, we will hopefully be able to tell our son or daughter about their big brother.  Today's not that day.  Tomorrow might not be either.  Just know I am trying to be the person you used to know.  I'm trying to be happy and as normal as I can be (no jokes here!). 

Today, tonight, I'm going to hold my husband's hand and be ever so thankful that it's him that I'm on this journey with.  I don't know what I would do without him. 

Fun times in Nashville at the Aquarium Restaurant

8 comments:

  1. Hugs to you, Alyson. I really, really hate this for you. It's not even close to being the same, but I spent several years in a dark place, with regard to motherhood -- not in the same darkness as you are in right now, but with some variation, I can understand your feelings completely. Not because I ever lost a physical baby, but because for about 8 years, before we pursued adoption, I had completely lost the dream of having children, period. And it was nothing that I was doing (or had done) wrong - our diagnosis continues to be "unexplained infertility"...so in a way, I felt (sometimes still feel) that my body had completely failed in a major way.

    Like you, I longed for the messy floors, undone laundry, and sleepless nights. In fact, there are sometimes STILL days when I read FB pregnancy statuses and feel incredibly sad...I know that (if I were to ever become pregnant, I would probably eat these words, but..) I would give anything to experience morning sickness, heartburn, swollen ankles, a baby laying across my bladder.

    As things have turned out, I'm thankful that we were able to endure and work through the heartbreak as we've traveled that "broken road" that's formed our family. But, there are days that I'm incredibly envious of my sons' birthmoms for experiencing those things that I would've given anything to experience with them.

    Anyway, I'm rambling here. I guess I just wanted to say that you're not crazy. You're a normal human being with normal human feelings... and I pray that your days get easier and easier.

    Love you much!

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  2. I have a couple of questions for you to consider, not that you have to answer them.

    #1 If it were the other way around, and your friend was going through this unimaginable heartache, what would you tell her? (My guess would be that it is not her fault, and all of the other things that you're trying to tell your own heart).

    #2 If you knew then what you know now, with the loss of your sweet Kiernan, would you still do it all over again? (My guess would be that you would because he is your son and you'd never regret him even if it meant that he was taken from you way too soon).

    I don't know if it helps to think about it that way, but I hope I'm not being completely ignorant and saying something stupid. Praying for peace and strength for you.

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  3. I love you and I love your blog. You be yourself every minute. As Dr. Seuss says- Those who mind don't matter & those who matter don't mind.

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  4. In my head I know that I didn't do anything wrong. It's my heart that feels differently. I wish I could change the feelings, but right now, I can't. Of course I want thins to turn out differently. But I will never regret what little time I had with him. He was and always will be our son and a part of our life. It's hard to truly explain feelings to someone who has never gone through this, and even then, each loss is different. It's an aching, never ending pain that nothing helps. Every time you see a pregnant woman, every time your friend has a healthy baby, even the people who don't deserve a 3or4 kid, yet they have them...poor Kardashian who had a pregnancy scare...it just makes you angry and sad all at once. Wishing them the best, yet having those feelings of jealousy and how unfair life can be. I'm not trying to say that what I feel is right or sentifically the right thing...it's just how I feel.

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  5. As always, Alyson, I totally get ya. I always feel a little bad telling you that four years later I'm still feeling some of the things you are. I don't want to depress you, but it's true.

    Certainly not as overwhelmingly as it was when I was where you are. But slowly I'm coming to terms with the fact that "normal" for me has changed. I miss the old me immensely. The me that was happy and could stop being jealous of others pretty easily. But the me I have after we lost Jack is a me that, I think always, will struggle with the unfairness, the jealousy, the grief, the what-if's, the burden of trying not to be angry with others who don't know what to do. The constant forgiveness I need to generate for friends who don't know, for friends who have had all easy pregnancies, those crack-head moms who have just had their eighth kid who's sent straight into the foster care system...

    But on the other hand, the me today is someone who knows so much more about life and death and the value of it all and - even though I'd trade it in a minute to have Jack back - a way better idea of how to be friends with someone like you who's had such a tragedy. Before, honestly, I would have felt scared to be friends with you because I would have felt so guilty and ignorant.

    So while the good from something like this never even comes close to denting the bad that there is, I'm glad that through this we got to meet each other.

    Hang in there today and make sure the tissue box in the car is filled up. For some reason most of my crying happened while driving too. :)

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  6. I love you tremendously and I respect and admire you for putting your heart out there. I wish more than anything I could take the pain away, you have always been like my little sister. We've been not so close at times, but know that you will always always always and forever be in this heart of mine! Take care of you (and Steve), enjoy each other, I'm so glad that you have someone like him (and him someone like you) to conquer this with. <3

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  7. Aly you make me laugh(jolly green giant. Bahahahahahahah!). You make me cry and I am so blessed to call u friend and have you in my life. Love u bunches and bunches!

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  8. Marguerite SimpsonMay 23, 2012 at 7:36 PM

    Aly I enjoy reading your blogs. You wrote earlier "Feelings of failing at my chance of being a mother" I'm going to remind you Aly you are a mom. And your little boy will always be in your heart.

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