Random rants for today: I see no purpose for mosquitos or roaches. Why were they created? Who was the idiot that tried to siphon gas from the pump that forced them to write "Do not siphon by mouth" on the actual pump? Why must large trucks (dump trucks, garbage trucks, moving vans, etc) drive in the fast lane down the parkway? That's all for now...
Now onto other stuff. I have had a good past couple of days. I can't let myself dwell on everything all the time. I can't let myself think about my friends who are either pregnant or that have just had babies. I know I'm being a bad friend and not being very supportive, however, I just can't do it. I do hope they understand. I've enjoyed my afternoon walks and dressing up in "decades" for work this week (it's National Nursing Home week...yay for 80s day tomorrow!). I've enjoyed down time reading a book, cuddled up by Steve while he's watching TV. These are the moments that I cherish right now. The moments when grief and sadness aren't overwhelming. The moments where I enjoy a glass of wine and time with my husband. It's times like this that I have to be ok with these moments because the moments that I really want aren't going to happen. To the mom who complains because her child kept her up all night crying.....the mom who is complaining about no time to herself....the mom who is worried because the house cleaning isn't getting done....I would trade places with you...each of you...in a heart beat. I know you mean well and love your children deeply. All I ask is cherish each moment..the good and the bad. Cherish the all nighters and the sweet cuddly time. Trust me. There is a mom and dad somewhere who would give anything for that.
I have a friend in RI who, although totally different situations, has been through alot. To be brief about his story he was a freshman in college, on a basketball scholarship at Salve Regina University. As a freshman he contracted bacterial meningitis somehow. Long story short, he was in the hospital for a long time. He almost died more than once. He lost both of his legs and parts of both hands. I can't begin to imagine his strength. If that were me, I just think I would be one big pity party. However, he's a happy guy...very athletic...and is currently getting his MBA. I asked him today about how during that time, after waking up and finding your legs were gone and your basketball career was over, he got out of bed every day. How do you be happy again? His answer was simple. You never know how long you have with someone, or being alive yourself. Instead of reliving every terrible moment every day, remember the good ones. Live for the good moments today. If "today" is all you can do, be ok with that. His courage speaks volumes for me. I can't change what happened. I can't fix it...cause trust me, if I could, I would. I'll never know why, no matter how much I think on it and analyze it. And while there are days that I can't not think about it, I'm trying to not to as much. I will always remember how it felt to feel Kiernan move inside of me. How his hiccups felt or the heartburn I had every single day. I will also remember the joy finding out it was a boy. I will always remember trying to think of a clever way to tell everyone at work that it was a boy, and instead just blurting it out. I hope that one day I will go through a day without wondering if I did anything...any little thing...that caused this. And while intellectually I know it wasn't my fault or anything I did, I will always wonder deep inside. Was it the day I had my hair colored? The day I had an extra piece of cake? But, then I think of other people who have 3 or 4 kids who are smoking and drinking with no prenatal care, and their babies are fine. Right now, it seems like so much of our lives are in limbo. If you know me, you know I'm a bit of a control freak and a planner (I mean really..who plans their own elopement?!) and the limbo part doesn't sit well with me. I'm trying to be ok with it. See a theme here? I'm trying to be ok with alot of things right now. Right now though, I'm going to focus on soaking in this time with my husband (even though he's watching a show where they are murdering people about oh every 5 seconds), my glass of wine, and chapter 26 with Mr. Grey :o)
PS--If you want to read more about John, just google John Kach. He's a great motivational speaker, and just an all around awesome guy. He's been on several different TV shows/interviews and is an avid speaker with the National Meningitis Association. He also promotes the importance of a simple vaccine that could prevent bacterial meningitis.
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- ▼ May (14)