Thursday, May 10, 2012

How do you be sad?

So Steve and I have been kinda distant from each other this week. We've both had alot going on at work and it's just kind of filtered over at home as well.  While at our fave Mexican place last all came apart.  The poor waitress!  Ha!  But it felt good getting it out. 

I don't know how to be a sad person.  Sure, I've had my moments before where I'm sad and someone has hurt my feelings, or I'm mad about something.  That being said, it's usually over in a matter of a few hours at the most.  But at times, this seems never ending.  Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Where's the end of the freaking tunnel, light or no light? Even when I have a good day, I'm waiting for the ball to drop. I'm waiting for whatever it is that's going to make me cry.  I don't want to, but I can't control it either.  I don't feel guilty any more for having a good day. It's just kind of like walking on egg shells. Ready for the ball to drop.  I know that I'm still grieving and that this experience is still "new", it's still fresh.  I know this could continue for a while yet. But I'm tired of being a sad person, yet I can't not be sad sometimes.

If you know me, you know that weight has always been somewhat of a struggle for me.  A couple of years ago, I lost almost 50 pounds.  At the time, I didn't think it was enough.  Now I look at those pictures and I looked GREAT!  Then I had a car accident where my sternum was broken...there goes working out for 10 months!  Then I started back doing kettlebells when I could.  Then I was that had to slow down somewhat.  Then, miscarriage and D&C. No working out for 2 weeks.  Then we moved to AL and it was a huge adjustment...mostly because we went from 2 incomes to 1.  Then I got pregnant again.  I gained roughly 26 pounds during my pregnancy. I'm proud of that!  However, coming home from the hospital empty handed but with the weight still there does not work well for me.  I think I could go easier on myself if Kiernan was here. At least I would have a reason to have gained the weight.  I still have a reason, but not in the way I wanted or expected.  I was expecting time walking around the lake, pushing a happy baby in my stroller I drooled over.  Not walking by myself, tears streaming down my face.  So, right now, my weight loss is definitely a journey.  Steve is very supportive and continually tells me he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what, but I don't FEEL beautiful.  I don't want him putting his arms around me and feeling a roll. It's embarrassing. I'm about 3 pounds from where I was at my first appointment.  I will get there.  I'm not giving myself a choice.  But I'm not good at giving myself a break either. 

I read an article today where a 22 year old mother murdered her son, who was 3 months, because he was crying and interrupted her playing FarmVille on Facebook.  I would love 2 minutes with her.  I would love to have a room where I could keep her and every time I look at the blue velvet covered box, nestled in my closet, I would go visit her.  No matter her punishment, it will never, ever be enough for me.  

This will probably be my last post for a few days.  Mother's day is coming up.  I adore my mother. She's fantastic.  But this is not how I pictured this weekend would be.  I don't want to face it.  I don't want to participate in it.  I feel guilty for that because that is almost like punishing my mom as well.  My husband gets this.  So...we are going to Nashville for the weekend.  Friday night is date night..just us...escaping our reality for a weekend.  I'm sooo excited. We both need it.  Like NEED it.  And..sadly...I LOVE staying in hotels (and yes I refuse to watch those shows about exposing hotel grossness!) .  Then 2 other couples are joining us Saturday.  We are going to have a blast.  I love sitting in a bar, having a good beer, and listening to good music...and now doing it with some good friends!  It's going to be great! 

So, if you take anything from this post.  Cry. It's ok.  It's normal.  It's cleansing for the soul.  If you keep it in, it will consume you.

1 comment:

  1. I believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes that tunnel is so effing long! I hope you and Steve are able to find some peace in what is sure to be a tough weekend. Have you thought about using these difficult milestones without your son to do something in his honor, like releasing a blue balloon? You could even write on it for him. Sorry if that's a stupid idea, but I was trying to think of something about those days that you could do to shed some light on the darkness. Hang in there!