Monday, May 7, 2012

Thoughts for today

Hmm...I've thought all day of things that I want to write and say on here and now I'm kind of blank.  Yesterday was a bad bad day.  Today, while not perfect, was better.  It means alot to read people's comments and emails in your response to my rants and raves. Here goes...
I've been emailing with a couple of people through out this whole period.  I don't know them, but am so thankful for them.  For every second that I feel as if I'm losing my mind, they are there to reassure me that what I'm feeling and going through is normal for the course.  For example, on my way to work today...everything was going great, I'm just singing at the top of my lungs like normal. Then, out of the blue, I just started bawling.  It's not something I can always control and is a mixture of anger and sadness mixed with guilt and unending questions.  Then I may hold it together until who knows what triggers it again.  I say this so that if anyone reading this is going through something similar, know you AREN'T crazy!  Trust me...I run the gamete of questions relating to losing my mind!  I'm sure the people that are driving next to me some days think I should mosey on up to the psych ward...some days I feel like I should too.  I'm gonna try my best to stay out! :)
I was asked today if I would write something in the future for a blog for women who have been through something similar. I'm blown away to be asked, to think that my story and my struggle could help someone else.  This is definitely a journey that I don't wish upon anyone. But wow, I feel so honored to be asked.  Insert moment here where I cried!
I've learned that I throw one hell of a pity party.  If I could get paid to do this, I would have job security forever!  Another learning moment for me has been to find out there is always someone else that has it worse than me, even if it's only in their mind. Of course I feel like my pain wins over any one else's, as if it's a game, but that person feels the same.  Justifiably.  Whether it's the woman who is struggling in a relationship, or the friend who found out she has cancer...everyone has their own crosses to bear.  I feel so guilty sometimes because I'm so consumed with my own life and my own struggles, that I can't see the forest for the trees.  Here's this beautiful woman, with beautiful kids, who has a great body even after said kids, and I am so jealous. Jealous of the whole package...the skinny body, the supportive husband (not that mine isn't...he's great!), the kids, oh the kids, to learn she is having her own struggles that threaten all of that.  I'm so ashamed of how I felt and hope that I can continue to be a friend she can lean on even when things are going south for me.  I think of my friends who are pregnant right now or who have just had a baby. I love them dearly, and so want for them to be happy, but I can't look at their pictures or read their status updates without another piece of my heart breaking. I feel so guilty and ashamed for distancing myself from a friend because she was pregnant...distance because I didn't want to instill fear in her because of what we had just been through, and let's be honest, jealousy on my part that I wasn't pregnant, nor did I get to bring my son home the way I had envisioned it for 9 months.  I hope she understands and can forgive me.  There is alot of anger as well. Anger at women who are pregnant and irresponsible.  Do they not get what I would do to have a baby in my arms right now? To not be writing this blog with tears rolling down my face?  Not only do I just want to smack some sense into them (please go hug your children right now!), but it starts the roller coaster of questions all over again.  Why do they get to have more children when they can't/won't take care of the ones they already have? Why is it that I come home empty handed? What did I do in my life that warranted this kind of sentence?  I know that these are illogical questions, but they are emotional ones that I struggle with every single day.  How is it fair to ask my husband to go through this again?  I feel alot of guilt towards him as well.  I don't even know if he knows this. I'm not the girl he met 4 1/2 years ago, nor who he married almost 2 years ago.  I feel sorry that he's getting a whole used up side of me that he should never have to deal with.  He should be getting happily every after Aly, but instead is getting this. This mixed up person who is smiling one minute and bawling the next. This person who has the want to have another child and the anxiety of going through another pregnancy.
One day I'm going to write a whole post just dedicated to stupid people.  I'm sure that I've been one before to someone and if that's you, I SINCERELY apologize.  But let's get real people.  I know alot of people mean well but think before you speak!  I had someone recently describe how perfectly her pregnancy was going (PS--had no clue you were even pregnant, thanks!) and how she just prayed she didn't end up like me. While I understand where she was going with that, do you really think that anyone WANTS to end up like this?  Broken and broken hearted? Because I feel broken.  And another great one was: One day you too will be a mom.  Thanks you very much but I am a mom. Just because you can't see my son and he is no longer living, do NOT dismiss his life.  I've had someone tell me recently that at least my "miscarriage" went well.  Oh honey...been there and done that in November 2010.  This was not a miscarriage. This was a full grown little boy. This was a little boy who I got to see on ultrasound every couple of months. I got to see him smile and shake his fist like his daddy does.  I got to feel him flip and hiccup.  I got to get dizzy reading my book propped on my belly because it was moving so much.  I had a dang c-section.
We have alot of repeat "customers" at the rehab facility where I work as a speech language pathologist.  We have had several people come back to visit, and I'm ashamed that I kinda hide when they do.  I just don't feel up to the question of how Kiernan is doing...they don't know.  Maybe I should just tell them, but I'm just not up to it just yet.  Several of my current and former patients do know about it and they have been wonderful and sent beautiful messages of encouragement to me.  I did have somewhat of a break through for me last week. On two different occasions I had a patient ask me if I have any children.  My answer has usually been a quiet no with a quick change of subject.  On these two occasions I said "yes, but not living".  While they are somewhat shocked, they don't make a big deal out of it.  I will never forget my sweet patient Mrs. B who was with me when I received the call from Dr. Callison about the autopsy report.  I barely knew this lady (who happened to have been a teacher at my high school that I never had) and she just held my hand and let me cry.  I know that was unprofessional, but it couldn't be helped.  It was nice to be myself with her and she understood when I said I was having a bad day, it wasn't just because I was in a pissy mood.
I got off early one day last week and packed up the nursery alone. It was something I needed to do by myself.  While the closet is still packed with Kiernan's stuff (I had to quit after a while), the crib is down, and his announcement door hanger is gone, packed away.  I don't know what I will do with all of his clothes. I'm not ready yet.  One day.  The diapers and wipes are still packed up in the closet according to size.  Maybe I'm just wishful thinking that one day I will get to use them.  I gave away his diaper bag (it was monogrammed with a K).  I returned things that had been lent to me.  There is just a huge emptiness and sadness.
My sweet Kiernan Patrick was born on March 2, 2012 at 38 weeks.  I can't help but wonder what if I had had a c section at 37 weeks.  Would I have an alive son here with me now? Would I be getting ready to celebrate my first Mother's Day instead of dreading the holiday like it was the Plague? Those "what if" questions can ruin a good time, let me tell ya.  These are questions I will never have answers to.  There were no indications except he was a big baby and I was swelling like a balloon that he needed to come earlier.  Kiernan was born at 1040pm via c-section. We found out around 730 or 8pm that he no longer had a heart beat.  He was 19 1/2 inches long, and weighed 7 pounds and 4 ounces. He had light brown hair just like his daddy.  I hope for his short life that little boy knew how much we loved him and wanted him.

1 comment:

  1. Aly, you are going to find blogging to be an incredible journey. You will have the ability to express yourself openly, engage in others all around the world, and share your story. It's healing and beautiful. Share Kiernan with the world and your story will inspire and enlighten. As a seven year blogger I know I look forward to continuing to read.