I have really come to appreciate those "partly cloudy" days...days that aren't perfect, days that aren't like the "good ol' days"..but days that aren't terrible. Those are my partly cloudy days...and I'll take 'em.
I received a card last week around Mother's Day that I haven't been able to open yet. I did yesterday. It was from one of my nurses at the hospital named Ashley. Ashley--I wish I knew your last name so I could properly thank you. I know that the other nurses I had meant well, but geeze Louise! They did not listen to what I wanted nor did they respect what we requested. Time after time, every time they came in the room they would ask me if I wanted to go see Kiernan or hold him...would tell me over and over how I needed to do this. I'm sorry, but no one, not even me, knew exactly what I needed. All I knew was at that time, I couldn't do it. The grief and sadness and anguish were already too much to bare. I couldn't go hold my baby boy. I know they didn't try to make me feel guilty, but wow...ya did. Ashley was my nurse on Saturday. When she came in to introduce herself to me, all she said was...I have a question...and I stopped her and told her the answer was no and please leave it be. She said ok and that was that. So Ashley...even though you may never know this, thank you for respecting our decision. It meant alot to me and to Steve. We had another nurse, Autumn I think, on Sunday who was great as well. When Steve walked in, I was crying and getting pretty hysterical. The medical records lady had come and asked for the spelling of Kiernan's name and I just lost it. Steve walked in and told everybody to get out of my room. Done. Period. Any questions go to him. I think that was one area he could control. He couldn't take away my pain. He couldn't "fix" the situation or me, but this, this he could fix. Autumn came back in the room and just smiled and said..wow you have a great husband. And I do. Today..I sent him a text and told him I loved him more than red velvet cheesecake brownies (omg...to DIE for)...and his response was he loved me more than fishing. The only response I could have was WHOA. Ha!
I've been emailing with a new friend Janice, who has been in my shoes a few years ago. I hope her son Jack and Kiernan are causing a ruckus together. She hit the nail on the head today. We were talking about grief and anger. There are a couple of situations that all I see is red. Red Red Red...like am I going to start saying Red Rum like Jack Nicholson? Or is it red room? I tend to make up words to stuff! Ha! But anyway...other situations I'm just sad. A friend announced today on FB that they are expecting. I'm sad...not for wanting her baby, but because I want MY baby. That's what makes me sad. Sad because my body isn't ready yet to try again, and I'm not sure if my heart is either. Sad that it's expected or requested to use Kiernan's stuff, because it's not being used anyway. No..that's the anger coming out. That's the I want to punch you in the face repeatedly feeling. That's the I need to shoot a gun at a target before I punch you in the face. But, some things never change. Not that I want any one else to go through what we did, but Janice has helped me so much, along with another blog, Horomonal Imbalances. It makes me feel not so alone sometimes.
On a partly sunny note...we have a busy hopefully fun filled weekend. I look forward to being busy and being with friends and family.
PS--Tomorrow is the big WW weigh in...nerves...
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