Wednesday, May 23, 2012

If I can't have sunshiny days, I'll talk partly cloudy...

I have really come to appreciate those "partly cloudy" days...days that aren't perfect, days that aren't like the "good ol' days"..but days that aren't terrible.  Those are my partly cloudy days...and I'll take 'em.

I received a card last week around Mother's Day that I haven't been able to open yet.  I did yesterday.  It was from one of my nurses at the hospital named Ashley.  Ashley--I wish I knew your last name so I could properly thank you.  I know that the other nurses I had meant well, but geeze Louise!  They did not listen to what I wanted nor did they respect what we requested.  Time after time, every time they came in the room they would ask me if I wanted to go see Kiernan or hold him...would tell me over and over how I needed to do this.  I'm sorry, but no one, not even me, knew exactly what I needed.  All I knew was at that time, I couldn't do it.  The grief and sadness and anguish were already too much to bare.  I couldn't go hold my baby boy.  I know they didn't try to make me feel guilty, but wow...ya did.  Ashley was my nurse on Saturday.  When she came in to introduce herself to me, all she said was...I have a question...and I stopped her and told her the answer was no and please leave it be.  She said ok and that was that.  So Ashley...even though you may never know this, thank you for respecting our decision.  It meant alot to me and to Steve.  We had another nurse, Autumn I think, on Sunday who was great as well.  When Steve walked in, I was crying and getting pretty hysterical.  The medical records lady had come and asked for the spelling of Kiernan's name and I just lost it. Steve walked in and told everybody to get out of my room.  Done. Period.  Any questions go to him.  I think that was one area he could control.  He couldn't take away my pain. He couldn't "fix" the situation or me, but this, this he could fix.  Autumn came back in the room and just smiled and you have a great husband.  And I do.  Today..I sent him a text and told him I loved him more than red velvet cheesecake brownies ( DIE for)...and his response was he loved me more than fishing.  The only response I could have was WHOA.  Ha!

I've been emailing with a new friend Janice, who has been in my shoes a few years ago.  I hope her son Jack and Kiernan are causing a ruckus together.  She hit the nail on the head today.  We were talking about grief and anger.  There are a couple of situations that all I see is red. Red Red am I going to start saying Red Rum like Jack Nicholson?  Or is it red room?  I tend to make up words to stuff! Ha!  But anyway...other situations I'm just sad.  A friend announced today on FB that they are expecting.  I'm sad...not for wanting her baby, but because I want MY baby.  That's what makes me sad.  Sad because my body isn't ready yet to try again, and I'm not sure if my heart is either.  Sad that it's expected or requested to use Kiernan's stuff, because it's not being used anyway.  No..that's the anger coming out.  That's the I want to punch you in the face repeatedly feeling.  That's the I need to shoot a gun at a target before I punch you in the face.  But, some things never change.  Not that I want any one else to go through what we did, but Janice has helped me so much, along with another blog, Horomonal Imbalances.  It makes me feel not so alone sometimes.

On a partly sunny note...we have a busy hopefully fun filled weekend.  I look forward to being busy and being with friends and family.

PS--Tomorrow is the big WW weigh in...nerves...


  1. I really appreciate your blogs. These past few days have been horrible!! Jack's 2nd birthday is coming up and I'm at a loss for what to do. I am in complete limbo on having another child and can't fathom the thought of losing another. My heart breaks for you and your experience. Especially, the nurses trying into something that was YOUR choice. I can understand not wanting to see your baby. I on the other hand could not have the last image of my healthy, 15 month old, on the gurney, with tubes and such everywhere and looking at the monitor knowing that there was NOTHING to bring him back. I eventually chose to go to the funeral home and say goodbye when he returned from his autopsy. I had to bring Mr.Bear(his favorite blankey) there to keep him company. He looked like an angel, at peace and so sweet. I don't really know if it helped or hurt because in the big scheme of things, THIS IS NOT FAIR!! Everything was a blur after that. Maybe I'm glad it was. Maybe I'm not. Confusion and anger has really gotten me in utter turmoil right now. All the "what if's" can drive one to the looney bin. I just want to hold my baby, kiss his boo boo's and be completely exhausted from all the responsibilities of raising a child. Once again, you are helping me realize that I am not the only one with partly cloudy days. Once again, thank you and God Bless!

  2. Oh Jessica I can't begin to imagine. How terrifying. I've already told my doctor if it happens, I will be a HOT MESS! I'm glad my writing and venting can maybe make other people feel a little comfort. I'm still awed any body even reads it. I never thought it would be for anyone but me. I'm gonna email you about a particular something that I can't write about here. It may be tomorrow. I agree and am with you in everything you said. Maybe we can be roomies in the bin! Xoxo

  3. I love reading your blog too. But you already know that. :)